I am always curious why KFC, Royal Castle and all of these other people call themselves “fast food” when you have to wait an hour for it. Not that you’re waiting for preparation; it just takes forever to get it served.
I think they should call it fast PREPARED food, as it’s often uncooked or halfway cooked. Definitely not served fast.
Instead, the title fast food in this country should be reserved only for the doubles man, and, of course, the nuts man.
Ask the nuts man for an order, and it’s quickly and efficiently served.
Try it. Look for a nuts man and simply say “two salt”. Watch as he snaps into action, dropping his nuts bag, fetching the unmarked paper satchel and delivering it with a polite greeting, “Blessed love bredren. Four dollars”.
I’ve never experienced that in Japs. The line goes forever, and the service, as in every other store that perpetrates as fast food, the speed of the service is inversely proportional to the length of the line.
What does that mean? It means there’s one of only two options:
- Long line: They move fast, but you’ll still take long, ‘cause you’re all the way at the back.
- Short line/no line: They move slow. I mean, is only one of you anyway. Why move fast? It’s not as though they’re keeping anyone else back. Only you, that solitary sod who dared to venture into the establishment in what we all know is a break (i.e. anytime there’s no large crowd).
And now let us analyse the noble doubles man – the second of two, upstanding members of society. The first is the nuts man, and the second is the doubles man.
It’s amazing that a doubles vendor can pull grease paper, two bara, put channa, mango, chadon beni (shadow benny), pepper and coconut, feeding twenty “eaters” and wrap for six other people who want it to go, satisfying everyone all in the space of an hour.
Now, while this doubles man/woman is doing this, they’re monitoring how many you eat, what you’re eating, and, of course, when you’re finished. All you have to do is to stand and watch them once you’re done with the last one, and another one comes. In the midst of this, they’re also considering other important things:
If they’re running out of bara, you get much more channa with your single doubles.
If the bara “break up”, you’ll get a third bara in your doubles to make up for it.
Each one is neatly wrapped.
Only complain that you’ve been waiting too long, and they’ll respond by asking you the most important question, “You want pepper in it?”
Only let them know you’ve come to sample the doubles before purchasing, and as soon as you’re finished, while managing a crowd of “eaters” and people who want theirs “to go”, and you’ll be asked “So how much you want to go?”
You can get lots of variety: triples, no pepper, slight pepper, plenty pepper, yuh-tryin-tuh-kill-meh-wid-pepper, channa and bara, and even channa in a cup.
I would like to propose that Government bestow two, new, national awards: “Doubles Vendor of the Year”, and “Nuts Man of the Year”.
This would stimulate these two industries. They should consider bestowing two million dollars upon the award recipients, or at least bus route passes upon the doubles men, and season tickets to everything to the nuts men.
God knows everyone hates missing their morning or afternoon doubles because the doubles man is stuck in traffic. Or what about the nuisance of missing your nuts during that football game, because the nuts man couldn’t get tickets?
Yes my friends. We should hail these true, public servants for their service to society. For to not do that, would be a disservice of immense proportions.
Now please excuse me. I’m about to start discussions with a nuts man about expansion. We’re considering starting to sell nuts in Parliament. Politicians need to have broad backs to say some of what they do say, so they’d definitely need to strengthen it while in Parliament.