Pum Pum Etiquette and Love: How Soon is too Soon?

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“If you know yuh nah go run de nookie, doh waste mi time.” I have a few friends who unofficially live by this mantra. But how does it fit into the picture when someone is looking for love?

Fellas don’t really have to change anything, except the fact that they might have to wait a little bit longer than usual for the nookie, but the mantra still holds true either way. Because nowadays, even if you decide that your new chick is worth waiting for, there’s only so long you can wait.

If you know yuh nah go run de nookie, doh waste mi time.

Some ladies, on the other hand, seem to think that denying access to the pum pum will help them find love. Foolishness. When we were 18 and 19 years old, that made more sense because you didn’t want to be a skettel. Giving it up too soon mattered then. Now that you’re in your late 20s, early 30s, or even 40s, and all your friends are getting married and having kids, it’s a different ball game.

I have a close friend who’s been single for some time, and wants to be in a happy loving relationship. But for the life of me I don’t understand how she hasn’t been able to find love. She’s beautiful, intelligent, has her shit together, and, most importantly, can put down a wicked Sunday lunch. Anyway, one evening she called me saying that she was out, and wanted to get some. So I made the only logical suggestion that made sense to me. Find a man and take him home. She wasn’t too happy with that suggestion, because apparently that would have made a whore out of her, and she was looking for something more than a quick lay.

Does it matter how soon someone waits to give it up now that most of us have been around the block a time or two? 

This got me thinking, she’s not the only person I’ve had this conversation with recently. So it’s either I know a load of ‘undateable’ women, or I’m a whore. Seriously though, it raised a question for me, does it matter how soon someone waits to give it up now that most of us have been around the block a time or two? For me, I’m sure you know already, the answer is no. Because unless something horrible happens when I get you naked, I already know if I’m going to want to see you again. Personally, after being married, I believe there is an inverse relationship between the relationship and sex, so why not set the bar as high as possible to begin?

I spoke to a couple of my female friends about this. After their initial outburst of laughter, when I asked them why some women think it’s effective to deny access, even when it’s obvious they may want it too, their take was that when most women are relationship hunting they prefer to know, or figure out if they want to have an emotional bond before they jump in the sack.

So let’s do some math here.

Day one, you meet dude, and have a chat. Depending on where you are, you might have a drink or two with him, and take a little wine. You exchange numbers at some point during the conversation because he ticks all the right boxes. He comes from a good family, doesn’t seem to be an axe murderer, says he is single, made you laugh a couple times, and has a good job.

Day two…nothing happens.

Day three, you have been texting back and forth, and he asks to see you again on the weekend.

The weekend rolls around, you are both tired and decide to do something fairly low key to get to know each other. You go to a bar; some skeletons come out the closet that you figure you can overlook for now, and have an overall good time. He is looking for a relationship, and doesn’t seem to be damaged goods. Great, but of course it’s too early to sleep with him, so at the end of the night it’s a quick hug and a peck on the cheek. Maybe if he tickled you lyrically enough, you’ll let him taste your luscious lips.

By the end of week two, you decide that this guy is genuine, and you really want to see him again, but he had his kid this weekend so couldn’t really meet up.

It’s now week three, and you both don’t want to wait until the weekend, so you arrange to see each other on Wednesday after work. However, out of all the days in the month, your boss chose today to drop this massive piece of work on you and needs it right away. Plan buss right? New guy will have to wait, and understand if he is serious.

It’s the weekend again, and you’re torn, because you had this thing planned with your girls, and you don’t want the dude to think you’re not into him, so you juggle the two engagements. He comes, your girlfriends like him, and you all dance and drink all night. Ladies, if this guy is straight, he is probably thinking he is on the inside tonight, and is going to get to tickle something else. But no, it’s still too early, isn’t it? You want to. He knows you want to. But you’ve only seen the guy three times. You can’t share your valuable treasure with him just yet. Should you?

In the middle of your moral dilemma of pum pum etiquette, you remember that next weekend he has his kid again. So you’re likely to end up screwless for another week.

After all, this isn’t 1842, and we aren’t 19 anymore either.

Depending on your decision, at this point, most guys are thinking, or have already started to think you’re either on games or a bit of a prude. It doesn’t matter how interested he may be, he is wondering if it’s going to be worth all this waiting. After all, this isn’t 1842, and we aren’t 19 anymore either. So you’re beginning to run the risk of the sexual chemistry turning to sexual frustration or annoyance, because if he hasn’t bounced by now…chances are he’s decided he’s going to at the very minimum stay for the first lay.

I know some of you are thinking this is a really specific situation that doesn’t necessarily happen that often. The specifics don’t really matter. My point is that life gets in the way of love, and at our stage in life where our careers take up more time than we have in a day, and some people have personal baggage from previous relationships, is it more important to play the sexual cat and mouse game, because you don’t have that emotional bond you’re looking for? Or do you run the nookie, live, have some fun, and let the chips fall where they may? To most guys it’s simple, if we want to get with you, we will – whether you sleep with us the first night or not.

That being said, I’ll help you ladies with a couple watch outs. The dude in my example will probably be genuine seven or eight times out of ten. I mean…some people will just pretend until they get to buss your draws, but for the most part there is no need for you to force this guy to prove how interested he is in you. If you want to keep playing games, don’t be surprised if he gets fed up and goes back to playing with his X-Box.

On the other hand, if you’ve seen a guy a couple times, and you can’t answer basic questions about his past relationships, like whether he is in one or not, then you probably shouldn’t sleep with him yet, if you’re looking for love that is. If you’ve broached the topic and he didn’t come out and say all he wants to do is beat it like a cop, but he’s giving smart-ass answers about if you ask every guy that as soon as you meet them, or he’s dodging the topic, chances are he is ‘on games’, and you shouldn’t sleep with him.

There are many men today who will tell you exactly what they want pretty early on. It’s up to you to ask the right questions, and decide if you’re in or out. The likelihood of a guy saying and showing he likes you, but thinking you’re a baddis for sleeping with him the third or fourth date – in this day and age – is slim to none. If he does end up thinking that, then that’s your fault for trying to date a 60 year old.

Anthony La Borde

Anthony La Borde considers himself an entrepreneurially minded idea generator, and plays a key role in a number of business ventures. He loves to start conversations and entertain people with his sometimes controversial thoughts.


  1. Mel

    June 17, 2013 at 2:16 pm

    Love this cause as a woman I’ve been in this dilemma but at the same time, what are you to do when you both profess that you want a relationship, you have sex after the third or fourth date, things seem good for a month then he bounces….. Still let the chip fall as they may? hm…

    • fitzinho

      June 17, 2013 at 5:09 pm

      That’s the risk you run, you could get married and he still might bounce…so its a calculated risk

    • dalai

      March 30, 2014 at 4:54 pm

      I think it’s better to wait longer before the sex. That way you’re not wondering if he was just looking to get laid a few times and drop it. I’ve never had a man stop dating me because I made him wait. If you’re afraid they will, you need to work on your self esteem.

  2. Rudi Singh

    June 17, 2013 at 6:29 pm

    Hahahahhaa ………… love it!
    especially the part ………. “If you want to keep playing games, don’t be surprised if he gets fed up and goes back to playing with his X-Box.”
    Not sure if the reference for ‘X-Box’ was intentional or not ! :)

  3. lizzie

    June 17, 2013 at 10:01 pm

    interesting article. I agree that both parties must establish what they want from the first few meetings. where sex lies on the level of priorities in a relationship is a big one as well. Serious relationships can be established without the heated jump your bones contact in the initial stages of a relationship. One should not worried about intimacy because that would be the main focus and eventually lead to the demise of the entire thing. Lastly a man who considers a woman a prude for not wanting to give up the goods, so early in the game isn’t worth it anyway.

  4. Rozzie.

    June 18, 2013 at 12:46 am

    Hook me up with that single friend you spoke who can cook, I am a man that can wait as long as it takes as long as she keeps that food coming on conveyer belt….;) the way to my heart is not through my loins but is through my belly!

  5. Nyasha Skerrette

    June 18, 2013 at 2:10 am

    Hmmmm, interesting perspective…however, for some women there’s certainly more to it than just asking a few basic questions. There’s the emotional component, religious component etc. Would be interesting to know your perspective once such things are factored in.

  6. Looker

    October 15, 2013 at 7:57 pm

    This article is written from the male perspective and is very very one-sided. Not all women nowadays behave like a “prude” and even so, let’s face it – when women are quick to jump into bed, they are judged by their peers, friends and family, not so for men so there’s still this pervasive double-standard. Me? I want what I want and if the man is impatient…well he can just skate :)

  7. Advice

    March 29, 2014 at 5:55 am

    When I first met my wife we dated for six months before we kissed, yes there were hugs and pecks on the cheek and holding hands. Why? Because we wanted to get to know each other fully before rushing into physical stuff. People, the desire for sex shouldn’t control you….you are in control! With all the STDs etc. don’t risk your life trying to please someone. If they really want to be with you they can wait.

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