Loving a Sociopath

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There is no worse feeling than realising that the person you love just a little less than life itself doesn’t love you at all.

You may have spent two years of your life thinking this is it. He treats you like a princess, and does everything that pleases you. Then one day he switches positions. Prince Charming is now Prince Harming, and you’re honestly confused.

He could horn you; he could be emotionally abusive; he could even be an alcoholic. But this isn’t the man you fell in love with, right? You tell yourself that he’s just going through a phase, and that he’ll be back to himself in no time.

See that’s the funny thing about relationships. We tend to believe that the person we meet in the beginning is the person who’ll be there throughout the relationship. For the most part, many of us tend to show our true colours after a few months.

However, when you’re dealing with a certified monster known as a sociopath, you’re stuck in the type psychological warfare that no one can prepare you for. No movie, no chats with girlfriends, not even your mother may have included that topic in a talk about the birds and the bees.

Sociopaths are people who seek to control others through the mind and emotions. So they’ll treat you like a queen or a king, not because they so adore you, but because they know that in treating you so well, you will fall even more in love, and even deeper into their spell. When their magic has had its effect, it’s you and God left to pull yourself out of that hole.

I was watching a past episode of Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami 2 the other night, and Khloe was busy drawing similarities between Scott (Kourtney’s baby daddy) and the traits of a sociopath – confident, charming, stylish, the life of the party, and controlling. Anyone who’s been keeping up with the Kardashians always asks themselves, why is Kourtney with Scott? She’s beautiful, and seems to be down to earth, so why did she put up with so much from him?


‘See, most times you don’t even realise that the person you’re with is a sociopath’

See, most times you don’t even realise that the person you’re with is a sociopath.

You recognise inconsistencies in their behaviour, but not for one minute will it occur to you that your significant other isn’t working with all their marbles. To admit such is to also admit that maybe your marbles are missing too.

They thrive on control, so knowing that you’ll always return to them is what gives them a kick. Their seemingly generous actions are meant to keep you within their range of influence and power.

Ever saw a man or woman in a relationship that is obviously unhealthy for them, and their partner is committing inhumane acts of emotional wickedness against them, and even when they get the strength to leave, the person keeps coming back at them? The perpetrator keeps asking for another chance, professing their love, buying flowers, jewellery or whatever else, even promising to go for counselling, in order to get back into their good graces and rekindle the relationship?

You ask, “Why doesn’t he (or she) just leave her (or him) alone?” The terrible half of that partnership doesn’t love your friend, is what you’re thinking, so why does he keep going back? Why does he keep calling? It’s not because of love; it’s because of the need for control.

For sociopaths, control is like a drug; it’s what drives them; it’s like cocaine to their system. They need a victim. They need to have someone to control. So they create that victim through charm. Just knowing that they can always get back this person, even when they heap hurt upon hurt on them somehow boosts whatever’s missing for them, whether it’s a self-esteem issue or not. They thrive on having their behaviour go unpunished.

They are manipulative, Grade A con artists, domineering, promiscuous, pathological liars, and impulsive. They have an inflated sense of self, show no real remorse or guilt, love to live on the edge, and are versatile in changing their personality to what’s required to win over people in whatever the situation. They can also tend to be alcoholics.

Sociopaths are also the best actors.


‘When a man puts down a Denzel Washington tear a la John Q, something in your heart breaks’


No woman likes to see her man cry. Now if you accuse your man of horning you or behaving inappropriately, and he doesn’t want you to leave, he does several things, the top one being… cry. Now if he starts to boohoo like a big baby, with snatty nose and the whole works, you’re more likely to dismiss his show. But when a man puts down a Denzel Washington tear a la John Q, something in your heart breaks, and you forgive him. In the back of your mind, you know something’s wrong… very wrong, but how can you say no to such tightly wound up, deep emotion?

Sociopaths have even been known to pass lie detector tests, because not only are they trying to convince you that they are telling the truth, they’ve also convinced themselves that they are speaking the truth.

Like I said, sociopaths are the best actors around. Oscar wants nothing with them.

Do you identify any of the traits I’ve listed with your significant other or that of a friend? Do you think you’re in a never-ending cycle of pain where you feel as if you can’t free yourself of the relationship? You love him (or her) dearly, and think you can’t live without him (or her), but being with that person is also one of the greatest tortures you’ve ever known?

Loving a mentally demented person is a truly maddening experience, and to get out of it, you’ll need help – from friends, from family, from God.

Get support. You can call the domestic violence helpline or talk to someone (remember abuse isn’t just physical). Sociopaths one day move their emotional abuse to the physical realm, however, hence it’s important to get out before it’s too late.

Mental chains are heavier to lift than a broken arm.

When someone does inexplicably horrid things to you, and then turns around to say they love you, they’re lying. It may hurt to come to this realisation, but always remember because someone may not really love you, it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you. They just aren’t working with all their marbles, so they can’t really see your worth. Just because you’re sane doesn’t mean that they are, and when you come to this realisation, it’s time to put on your Nikes and run.


Image credit: IstockPhoto.


Karel Mc Intosh

Karel Mc Intosh is the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Outlish Magazine. She's also the Lead Communications Trainer at Livewired Group, where she conducts workshops in business writing, social media, and other communications areas. A real online junkie, when she isn't surfing the Internet, she's thinking about surfing the Internet. Find out more about her here or tweet her @outlishmagazine.


  1. melanie hunt

    September 21, 2011 at 3:53 am

    Describes my ex to a t. Thank you for such a clear, concise description.

  2. Michelle C

    November 24, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    This description fits my ex like a tailored glove. We’ve been on and off for 3 years, him always leaving because he gets “an itch” for other women, then he comes back and begs for another chance. Last week was the 6th time he’s dumped me, except that this time, he’s actually been in a relationship with someone else for MONTHS.

    I’m so glad I’ve discovered that he is an obvious sociopath, because it actually helps the pain. Just tonight I read on his Facebook wall a copy-and-paste message about praying for people in need…this man hates religion and thinks believers are weak-minded, the only reason he is posting such a message is because his latest victim is a Christian.

    So thanks to articles like this, instead of being hurt and jealous by this garbage, I actually feel sorry for her…she has no idea what he is capable of.

    My goal now is to make myself strong for the day that he returns, and he will return…he’s been molding me for 3 years into a perfectly obedient little puppet, and he’s not about to give up on that investment yet. I just need the strength to block him from my life, and articles like this truly do help.

    Thank you.

  3. oni

    December 21, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    some Sociopath have a code. it’s hard being a monster. but we can love. not all of us need to control the person where with. that nothing can eat at us, even control us. but there are ways to make your demon work for you.

  4. justme

    January 24, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Great article. My ex was definitely a sociopath/psychopath. I was in a bad place and he took advantage of that. I’m lucky that I managed to get out after 8 months with the help of a great therapist. I’m still damaged by the whole experience. I fell in love with him and for so long couldn’t understand how or why he loved me back in the way he did. I feel a stronger for having gotten away from him but it’s been a hard road to accept that he didn’t ever love me. I have to keep reminding myself that he is a sociopath. Articles like these keep on the path I am on.

    Oni, thank you for your input. I would like to hear more from you. Michelle C, you are in my prayers.

  5. Deliver Me

    April 26, 2013 at 2:28 am

    I’m divorcing a sociopath—after 26 miserable years. He has almost every single trait mentioned in this article. My divorce is in its 18th month—it is a nightmare beyond anything I could ever imagine. He is furious that I would not give him another chance. I told him 26 years of chances is more chances than anyone deserves. I am on my third attorney trying to stand up to this monster who is portraying himself in Court and the community as a “victim.” I’m ready to die, but I’ll fight him until I get out of this marriage.
    Has anyone else successfully divorced one of these monsters—or do you just run away with nothing, and feel lucky to be away from their constant manipulation, lying, cheating, mind-gaming, and constant chaos?

  6. Tennie

    October 12, 2015 at 4:50 pm

    This really is exactly what I was seeking for, many thanks

  7. Catherine

    November 5, 2015 at 7:40 pm

    Even after Reading This artical and ment like it and I know 100% That He Is in fact a sociopath i still cant stop living hum and want him back. Maybe i am wrong maybe He Will come back to me. How Can i get over him? Please help someone.

  8. anonymous

    February 15, 2016 at 8:37 pm

    My daughter was married to a sociopath for 7 miserable years.To see the traits/behaviors of this species(they don’t deserve to be called human) is confirmation for me as to what I already knew about this manipulative monster.My daughter was damaged by him but he has remarried and in the process of destroying his second wife who is presently in a mental hospital for the 2nd time since marrying him.This poison man leaves choas and confusion wherever he goes.Now he’s playing the HERO for sticking by this woman who HE is responsible for driving crazy to begin with.It is beyond comprehension how these sociopaths seem to come out unscathed in these horrible situations they created to begin with. I wish all sociopaths a horrefic and painful death!!!!!!!

  9. karla

    July 10, 2016 at 6:49 pm

    I was with this exact person for 2 years. I tried everything to get him help. Medication, therapy, but his want to get better was only because he wanted something from me. I alienated myself from my friends and family because of his paranoia and distrust of me, which he had absolutely no reason for. I felt like I was going insane at one point. I’m going through the emotions of bereavement and this has been the most difficult undertaking. I’m following a path of healing and I am in therapy. I am afraid of being attracted to anyone because I’m sure there are more like him out there and I don’t want to make the same mistake. He has a new victim, and she’s young. I really hope this poor girl knows the signs and symptoms so she can get out while she still has her self worth in tact. Thank you for this article. I’m going to show it to my therapist on my next appointment.

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