02 Aug Love: An Easy Ride or a Bumpy Road?
“Love hurts”, and “fools rush in where angels fear to tread”. We keep hearing these phrases, yet we still we enter relationships searching for this thing called ‘love’.
Many of us have assumptions about falling in love or entering intimate relationships. One of the most common of these is the fact that we think we will always be happy.
I mean have we ever gone to a wedding and listened; I mean really listened to the vows that are taken by the bride and groom: for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health…”. Just by these lines alone, we should realize that love isn’t a bed of roses.
During our first few months of courting, we enjoy each other’s company, anxiously waiting to hear the other person’s voice on the next end of the line. We get butterflies in our stomach when they smile at us, and we hold hands to show the world that we are not alone.
We wear our ‘mask’ with pride whether it is by our body language, speech or appearance. We hang on to their every word, and constantly ask to be told more. Within these few months, we assume that our significant other has accepted who we are, as they say what we want to hear and go out of their way to provide us with gifts.
‘It is not until maybe our first disagreement that we realize how different we really are’
So here we are on cloud nine, head over heels in love, thanking God that finally we are in a relationship where we don’t have to change anything about ourselves, until it dawns on us that not everyone views love the same way. As time goes by, our ‘mask’ continues to crack, and then it eventually falls off, leaving us vulnerable for the other person to see us for who we truly are, and it is not until maybe our first disagreement that we realize how different we really are.
Our aura seems to be invaded; goodbye sweet nothings and hello attitude.
In your mind you must be thinking well I’m here, now what? Where is that healthy love affair that we had going? How do I get it back?
In no way do I have a ‘Masters in Love or Relationships’, but I do understand that if the two people in the relationship don’t work together as a unit, then there isn’t any hope of the relationship lasting.
You may be sitting there saying to yourself, “But communication isn’t all there is to a relationship; what about trust, respect, honesty and all that”.
My reply to that is we must learn the basics before we are able to tackle the challenging stuff. As babies we are not given meat, but milk first. If your foundation is not stable, then your entire building will collapse.
A relationship is a living thing, which needs nutrition in order for it to grow. Like every other living organism, if nutrition is not given in proper quantities, it may wither and eventually die.
‘A relationship is a living thing’
We always hear about communication, and you know how we women like to talk (well I do anyway). But is talking all it takes to communicate?
It is said that communication is 55% body language, 38% tone and, 7% words. Wow… only 7% words. And to add insult to injury, 25-50% of what we say is dismissed, which means that if we had a conversation that lasted ten minutes, you really only hear two and a half to five minutes of what I am saying. So ladies, all that talking we are doing with men may really be going into one ear and out the other.
This is where listening needs to be learned. We take it for granted that we have two ears to hear, but do we ever really truly listen? Do we really hear what the other person has to say?
I have this way of interrupting when I am supposed to be listening or trying to come up with a comeback just to prove a point – not that I have to, but I just to have the last say. I’m trying to work on that.
See, we must allow the other person to finish before we add our say. Please do not do like me and interrupt with counterarguments, because it doesn’t help. If you do not understand what was said, ask for clarification. Do not use your own interpretations for your own benefit to boost your side of the conversation.
People always tell me, “Is not what you say, but how you say it”. With 38% of communication being tone, we really need to be careful about how things are being said. We love to use the term, “You wanted to know the truth”, but guess what, there is no law that states while telling the truth we have to be mean about it. So in addition to watching what we say, we’ve also got to consider the tone we use.
Now body language, which ranks higher than our tone and our words, is the one I usually have trouble with. When you are really mad, you are not thinking about your body language; all you’re studying is get your point across. To hell with the other person. Still, is your body language the nutrition or poison that you are feeding your relationship?
People may not always remember what we said, but they will remember how we made them feel.
I am not perfect in my relationship. I ask God every day to give my husband patience to deal with me, but by understanding and applying the basics, it makes the ride a lot more fun. We each grow personally and in return it builds the relationship.
No one said love was easy so buckle up and enjoy the ride.
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