What Men Want in the Mama of their Babies

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“You are perfect child mother material… you are pretty so the babies will be cute. You have that caring vibe so I know you will take good care of them. You are making your own paper, so you wont be hassling me every minute for money… Anytime you ready let me know…”
The above is a snatch of a very interesting conversation I was having with a male friend that somehow led to him pointing out why I was a viable choice to carry his seed. I’m still not sure how we ended up there, but let’s move along!
The conversation however, tickled my curiosity and made me ponder how much thought men actually do give when it comes to who will bear their children. I wondered if this was something they actively planned as much as women are notorious for doing.
Many single men are known for saying, “Well things just happen and babies show up”. But after that conversation I began to consider if men were carefully choosing who things accidently happened with. Scary thought eh?
There was only one sure way to unearth the truth. Corner a few men, and see what thoughts crossed their mind, when this topic was brought up.
I spoke to a wide array of men, with a range of careers that included music producer to IT tech to crime scene investigator. In addition, I queried a couple gay men because they, more than anyone, would be more discerning, since they did not have attraction affecting their judgement at all. Initially, most of the men gave me a look, some claimed they had no idea, but in the end all of them had answers flowing out of them. Here’s what they had to say about what they’d look for in the mother of their children.
Keifel: “Intelligence and humour are the cornerstones for me; everything else is lagniappe. Genetics is a crapshoot. Honestly, I’d rather have someone who would be fun to raise children with than someone that makes good looking, stupid children.”
Guru: “Strong sense of self, and a great sense of humour. Some sort of drive to counteract my lack of same (laughs). Quick thinking, and not too psychotic.”
Daryl: “She should be a role model for my kids, as well as be their pillar of strength; nothing can compete with the mother figure in a child’s life. As the assumed breadwinner there may be times when I will not be around to nurture the kids, so I would look to her to be always supportive, an easy listener. Looks? *Shrug* What’s the sense having the best looking skyscraper in the city for all to see on the outside and when you enter the building, there’s nothing but empty space?”
Andy: “Good sex, must be able to cook, and must put me and our family very high on her list of priorities, so high I must feel like we are number one–possibly just below air. She must have high feminine intelligence (i.e. must not hamper my man-ness), and she must be intelligent because my kids are gonna be the bomb.
I’m also looking for cleanliness. She must not nag, and must not at any time make her past relationships a problem for me in any way shape or form. What she need is sense. She must not block my happiness with her fru-fru. Like for Carnival she could do her hair, hire a cosmetologist, or buy as many boots, as she wants. But she can’t use that as reason not to make a sandwich, and if is my money when I say stop spending, ah mean stop dammit!”
Now by then I was feeling a warm glow of hopeful sunshine that maybe men are not the drooling wolfish creatures lead around by their eyes and their *cough* seen in cartoons when the perfect looking model type prances by. Even “Andy” with his ardent demands only really wanted a woman who would make him and the family happy, while caring for them in an unselfish way – never mind the self-centred way he put it across. Ahem! So I probed even deeper.
Enrique: “She and I must have similar or at least complementary goals and value structures. I think this is most important. If the woman happens to be good looking that’s a plus. As I age though, looks become less important to me.”
Nigel: “I used to look for a woman who was loving, happy, nurturing with a good sense of humour, fun-loving and sexy (that last part was for me). But as I got older my view changed. Now I want a woman who knows herself, and trusts that though it will be difficult at times, she and I have to be one on all issues about the kids. A woman tough not only on the kids, but also me at times, as being a mommy and a wife are so close to one job.”
At this point I started to fall in love with quite a few men eh. My uterus was jump-kicking me, and saying Spanish fly could go both ways! So I switched gears a bit and sampled from another sexual preference pool.
Dorian: “I think that, being gay, I actually think about this in more of a mercenary fashion than straight guys.
1. Intelligent and well educated. I want a kid who’ll have at least a little brains. Education is important to me, and I need it to be important to her as well.
2. I get to choose, so she should probably be at least marginally good looking.
3. Financially able to help raise the kid. I’m not doing it alone.
4. Must live in the same country as me, with no intentions to move. I don’t want to be separated from my kid by an ocean.
5. Mentally stable. Nuff said.”
Ferdinand: “Natural intelligence for one, because I believe it’s genetic. And for that I don’t just look at her, I look at her parents. General good health. Now this is where I go off from other men… because I’m not interested in child rearing capabilities or anything further–that’s my job, haha!”
Given how handsome those two gentlemen were and the fact that my too-practical side started figuring out how to offer my eggs, so that we could procreate some exquisite babies together, I swung back the other way and heard…
Kasey: “Stability, must be grounded, self-sufficient, and optimistic, with positive qualities. You don’t want a girl with nonsensical priorities, like liming every weekend and only focusing on herself. These days you need a sensible woman who wants to have children. Too many have children and they do not want to be mothers, and is only drama right through.”
Ian: “You want somebody who loves, but not without firmness, who can teach children by example and otherwise. And you must always watch her mother’s mannerisms and actions, because that is a pretty good picture of them in about 30 years. She must have the ability to live within the dictates of the pocket.”
Too good to be true? Maybe. Maybe not. I have seen my very close friends, who I know for a fact have a strong hot-girl-must-follow-her instinct, like the scientist formerly known as Kevin who made sure to tell me that the woman to carry his babies must have “child-bearing hips”, and Duane, who wanted “long legs and thick thighs… so I would want to knock her up in the first place”, also understand the value of and want a woman who is compassionate, strong, and selfless – someone who would teach their children how to become offspring they could be proud of as well as better equipped for life than they were. Between me and you ladies, I was quite moved by how much they wanted women with inner strength and solid integrity.
In the end, though, the truth was very clear. Men DO think about this, maybe more unconsciously than women might, but you better believe they are assessing you for the vacant baby-mama or next-baby-mama position when they bussing a lil small talk on you in a lime (just in case nah! right fellas ;). And in all honesty, they are looking for a woman who can make up for what they think they are missing in themselves, as well as someone who can provide a balanced, happy home for their children – something they all agree that a woman who does not have her mind and soul together cannot provide.
To add some personal experience, I have only been viewed as a doable human cradle in the last few years, as my inner demons were exorcised. When people began remarking how much I have calmed down, become even more mature, and of course selfless. Values I think we all look for in a mate.
So maybe while it is easier to put dismissive man-relationship behaviour down to purely physical preferences, the harsh reality might in fact be, what is lacking to hold a man’s interest might be some not-yet-developed, inner quality that we, as women, lack the sight to see. Talk about fodder for biological clocks to tick-tick over.
P.S. Nothing illegal took place, no men were harmed, but a lot of fun was had. Much thanks to the men interviewed for their honesty.

pregnant“You are perfect child mother material… you are pretty so the babies will be cute. You have that caring vibe so I know you will take good care of them. You are making your own paper, so you wont be hassling me every minute for money… Anytime you ready let me know…” 

The above is a snatch of a very interesting conversation I was having with a male friend that somehow led to him pointing out why I was a viable choice to carry his seed. I’m still not sure how we ended up there, but let’s move along!

The conversation however, tickled my curiosity and made me ponder how much thought men actually do give when it comes to who will bear their children. I wondered if this was something they actively planned as much as women are notorious for doing.

Many single men are known for saying, “Well things just happen and babies show up”. But after that conversation I began to consider if men were carefully choosing who things accidently happened with. Scary thought eh?

There was only one sure way to unearth the truth. Corner a few men, and see what thoughts crossed their mind, when this topic was brought up.

I spoke to a wide array of men, with a range of careers that included music producer to IT tech to crime scene investigator. In addition, I queried a couple gay men because they, more than anyone, would be more discerning, since they did not have attraction affecting their judgement at all. Initially, most of the men gave me a look, some claimed they had no idea, but in the end all of them had answers flowing out of them. Here’s what they had to say about what they’d look for in the mother of their children.

Keifel: “Intelligence and humour are the cornerstones for me; everything else is lagniappe. Genetics is a crapshoot. Honestly, I’d rather have someone who would be fun to raise children with than someone that makes good looking, stupid children.”

Guru: “Strong sense of self, and a great sense of humour. Some sort of drive to counteract my lack of same (laughs). Quick thinking, and not too psychotic.”

Daryl: “She should be a role model for my kids, as well as be their pillar of strength; nothing can compete with the mother figure in a child’s life. As the assumed breadwinner there may be times when I will not be around to nurture the kids, so I would look to her to be always supportive, an easy listener. Looks? *Shrug* What’s the sense having the best looking skyscraper in the city for all to see on the outside and when you enter the building, there’s nothing but empty space?”

Andy: “Good sex, must be able to cook, and must put me and our family very high on her list of priorities, so high I must feel like we are number one – possibly just below air. She must have high feminine intelligence (i.e. must not hamper my man-ness), and she must be intelligent because my kids are gonna be the bomb. 

I’m also looking for cleanliness. She must not nag, and must not at any time make her past relationships a problem for me in any way shape or form. What she need is sense. She must not block my happiness with her fru-fru. Like for Carnival she could do her hair, hire a cosmetologist, or buy as many boots, as she wants. But she can’t use that as reason not to make a sandwich, and if is my money when I say stop spending, ah mean stop dammit!”

Now by then I was feeling a warm glow of hopeful sunshine that maybe men are not the drooling wolfish creatures lead around by their eyes and their *cough* seen in cartoons when the perfect looking model type prances by. Even “Andy” with his ardent demands only really wanted a woman who would make him and the family happy, while caring for them in an unselfish way – never mind the self-centred way he put it across. Ahem! So I probed even deeper.

Enrique: “She and I must have similar or at least complementary goals and value structures. I think this is most important. If the woman happens to be good looking that’s a plus. As I age though, looks become less important to me.”

Nigel: “I used to look for a woman who was loving, happy, nurturing with a good sense of humour, fun-loving and sexy (that last part was for me). But as I got older my view changed. Now I want a woman who knows herself, and trusts that though it will be difficult at times, she and I have to be one on all issues about the kids. A woman tough not only on the kids, but also me at times, as being a mommy and a wife are so close to one job.”

At this point I started to fall in love with quite a few men eh. My uterus was jump-kicking me, and saying Spanish fly could go both ways! So I switched gears a bit and sampled from another sexual preference pool.

Dorian: “I think that, being gay, I actually think about this in more of a mercenary fashion than straight guys.

1. Intelligent and well educated. I want a kid who’ll have at least a little brains. Education is important to me, and I need it to be important to her as well. 

2. I get to choose, so she should probably be at least marginally good looking. 

3. Financially able to help raise the kid. I’m not doing it alone.

4. Must live in the same country as me, with no intentions to move. I don’t want to be separated from my kid by an ocean.

5. Mentally stable. Nuff said.”

Ferdinand: “Natural intelligence for one, because I believe it’s genetic. And for that I don’t just look at her, I look at her parents. General good health. Now this is where I go off from other men… because I’m not interested in child rearing capabilities or anything further–that’s my job, haha!”

Given how handsome those two gentlemen were and the fact that my too-practical side started figuring out how to offer my eggs, so that we could procreate some exquisite babies together, I swung back the other way and heard…

Kasey: “Stability, must be grounded, self-sufficient, and optimistic, with positive qualities. You don’t want a girl with nonsensical priorities, like liming every weekend and only focusing on herself. These days you need a sensible woman who wants to have children. Too many have children and they do not want to be mothers, and is only drama right through.” 

Ian: “You want somebody who loves, but not without firmness, who can teach children by example and otherwise. And you must always watch her mother’s mannerisms and actions, because that is a pretty good picture of them in about 30 years. She must have the ability to live within the dictates of the pocket.”

Too good to be true? Maybe. Maybe not. I have seen my very close friends, who I know for a fact have a strong hot-girl-must-follow-her instinct, like the scientist formerly known as Kevin who made sure to tell me that the woman to carry his babies must have “child-bearing hips”, and Duane, who wanted “long legs and thick thighs… so I would want to knock her up in the first place”, also understand the value of and want a woman who is compassionate, strong, and selfless – someone who would teach their children how to become offspring they could be proud of as well as better equipped for life than they were. Between me and you ladies, I was quite moved by how much they wanted women with inner strength and solid integrity.

In the end, though, the truth was very clear. Men DO think about this, maybe more unconsciously than women might, but you better believe they are assessing you for the vacant baby-mama or next-baby-mama position when they bussing a lil small talk on you in a lime (just in case nah! right fellas ;). And in all honesty, they are looking for a woman who can make up for what they think they are missing in themselves, as well as someone who can provide a balanced, happy home for their children – something they all agree that a woman who does not have her mind and soul together cannot provide.

To add some personal experience, I have only been viewed as a doable human cradle in the last few years, as my inner demons were exorcised. When people began remarking how much I have calmed down, become even more mature, and of course selfless – values I think we all look for in a mate. 

So maybe while it is easier to put dismissive man-relationship behaviour down to purely physical preferences, the harsh reality might in fact be, what is lacking to hold a man’s interest might be some not-yet-developed, inner quality that we, as women, lack the sight to see. Talk about fodder for biological clocks to tick-tick over.

P.S. Nothing illegal took place, no men were harmed, but a lot of fun was had. Much thanks to the men interviewed for their honesty.

 

 

Check out the rest of this week’s issue (14/3/11; Issue 48):

 

Look out for a new issue of Outlish.com every Monday!

 

Mystie Thongs

Mystie Thongs is a Cornell-trained engineer turned writer/ PR/ video/ get it done entertainment person, who is fastidiously discovering that her life is not going to turn out the way she planned. She is easily distracted by steamy words and sultry melodies, and is currently peeping around the next hidden corner, even though she knows she shouldn't ;).

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