Vex with Yuh Ex: Dealing with Breakup Grudges
Breakups, we all have them. However, in this time, when Trinis’ famous phrases are “doh beat up”, “whateva”, and “stop totin”, people, including myself, still hold grudges towards their former significant others.
But why is it that some of us hold on to grudges, and why are some people able to leave the negative feelings behind?
As someone who has been dubbed “emotional”, and, as one who holds grudges, I can easily say why I sometimes harbour resentment. It is simply a protection mechanism. It protects me from doing something stupid like going back all snatty-nosed, begging an ex to take me back, or – on the other side of the coin – knocking her the hell out (no I’m not a woman beater; I don’t wear white vests).
Sometimes you get no return for what you put out in a relationship – time, money (lots of it), and a lot of emotion. So, when allyuh ‘done’, a lil toting must be expected.
These are real feelings based on how the relationship ended, and not everyone will handle them in the same way. If a grudge is someone’s way of dealing with a breakup, then allow them to tote. But, how long should you hold a grudge for?
In my opinion, someone can hold a grudge forever (yes I said that so I can hold mine forever). You may be saying “Why Kern giving this awful advice to his readers?”, but honestly if the grudge doesn’t greatly affect your life, why would you change it? Even though grudges can adversely affect your emotions and create frozen feelings, not all of them are life threatening. I am sure many of you ‘fell out’ with someone, you’ve stopped speaking to them, and it didn’t affect the price of cheese. In other words, life carried on as normal.
If you really want to get a grudge out of your system, there are two sure-fire ways to do it. If you cannot remember why you have negative feelings towards this person, or, in the case of fellas, if you see her a day on Fredrick Street and she looking bess in that work outfit, you suddenly forget the grudge and cross the road to confront the individual (Don’t pretend, man and woman do this everyday). Having said that, how long you hold a grudge is really up to you.
It’s only when you feel emotionally detached from a situation that you can make the move to truly forget the grudge, and move on with your life. Strangely enough, for someone who is known as a ‘toter’, I speak to the majority of my exes (it ain’t that much though). Even though it took a while to forgive them, time is the greatest healer.
I want to take a little time out to address the people who don’t seem to harbour any bad feelings towards their ex. How do they do that?
Again I am only voicing my opinion, but I honestly feel they are frontin’. I cannot fathom anyone, man or woman, ending a relationship, and all parties involved are all fine and dandy about it. Unless it was a pretend relationship like the wedding of Kim Kardashian and that no NBA contract dude, someone must have a different feeling about things. However, it’s the way we express these feelings that gives everyone their character. I still want to know how they front so well.
Personally, I’d like everyone to know where I stand on a topic (I guess that is why I write). So grudges will always be a part of me . Furthermore, I rather let out the feelings now than let them come back to haunt me in my later years (no schizophrenia here).
The age-old question still exists though. Who holds on to grudges more?
Of course men will say women, and vice versa. To me the sex of a person doesn’t matter. In this case, I view it purely by an individual basis. It can be argued that women hold more grudges than men because they are the more emotional side of the species. However, I would be a perfect example of that not always being true. Let us not forget than men also hold grudges, but in different ways. They may not stop talking to you outright, but express it by other means, such as gossip (yes, some men do that), joke-like insults, or just forever maintaining a downright bad attitude towards you.
It must also be said that women are more able to show their emotions due to the way society is structured. A woman’s relationship baggage can easily be translated to her friends and colleagues. Hey, she may even get a few days home from her boss (don’t tell me no; I have seen this happen before), while the guy needs to repress these feelings, so he doesn’t show weakness. This kind of emotional discontent can greatly affect a man’s health – mentally or physically.
According to the book, “Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples”, by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil and Harville Hendrix, “he who cannot forgive others destroys the bridge over which he himself must pass”. So forgiving an ex is a gift to yourself. Having said that, forgiving and letting go of breakup grudges are a lot easier said than done. But with everything else in life, practice makes perfect. So go find your ex and say “hey”, and try to spark a conversation. The reaction alone will entertain you for at least a few days. Trust me.
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