Self & Relationships

Love and Relationships: Not Like the Movies

Brendan Sumasar

Jan 30 |00:00

I’m not sure how many of you are aware of the Katy Perry chune “Not like the movies”, which rather creatively agonizes over the notions associated with love. My attempt at a thought-provoking piece aims to question some misnomers of love, relationships and that dreaded biochemical reaction to the opposite (or same) sex so many of us identify with.

I’ll try to expand on the topic in a little more than three minutes and forty-three seconds, and, hopefully, not waste your time in the process. Now fair warning, while I certainly don’t intend for this to be a rant...some of these may fall in your garden. To you I say: “Let it grow, let it grow, let it grow”.

Whether you want to admit it or not, how many of you have watched a movie, and let it affect how you view and navigate love and relationships?

Let’s take for instance the idea of a soulmate. You’ve probably heard this notion before, experienced a friend using it as a reference in their situation, or maybe even you embraced the experience – especially after years of hypnosis via movies. What exactly makes one a soulmate? Many a person (myself included) have used the phrase: “I can’t describe it...it’s just a feeling! And you just know!” (All starry eyed and giddy with happiness that’s inexplicable.)

I’ll pause for the few who are getting over their nausea, whose eyes are almost done with their well-trained roll, and those whose sighs are apt with exasperation. Yes it’s a fallacy of sorts. I don’t believe there to be any credible evidence that suggests a lasting relationship begins with the solid foundation of “indescribable feelings”.

Seriously...talk about good communication – voicing an opinion and someone getting what you mean, without you having to paraphrase a few times or break-it-down several times over. Shouldn’t two people be able to disagree and respect each other’s opinion because they understand why each person feels that way? Let’s face it: We don’t have to share the same view. Just respect the opposites.

How about that prince and princess fallacy? I mean notion. Or do I?

Anyways...whether it was “Cinderella”, “Snow White”, “The Princess and the Frog”, “Anastasia”, and the endless barrage of Disney fairytales, and their cinematic references, we’re all too familiar with the idea of that prince or princess.

There are 26 active monarchies in the world. Well as far as wiki answers are concerned. So the chances of someone with a kingdom and subjects that’ll make your life perfect, devoid of misery, and, of course, to live happily ever after with is, well...cue deflating balloon sound bite. The same thing goes for the roller coaster modern-day love stories in your favourite chick flick.

I’d rather think it should be more about you finding the perfect person who’s the perfect match for you. Scratch that…it should be “the person” who’s the perfect match for you. They don’t have to finish your sentences, like everything that you do, or go everywhere you want to willingly. But they should at least care to listen to what you have to say, care enough to memorise what makes you you, and compromise their free will to share the space with you, just because you’re going to be there.

Many people seem to think that it’s ok to love, or, as I like to say, “be interested in” someone more than the other person is. Now this last one I’m sure isn’t properly discussed. While I honestly can’t get enough of the empowering getups perpetuated in movies on self-respect and loving yourself enough to let go, I would think there’s superior reasoning in the fact that it’s simply not a healthy relationship, if both parties aren’t willing to be there for each other.

While the traditional “man works, while woman runs the house” scenario was acceptable decades ago, we need to accept that both partners are individuals. Let’s face it. We all have dreams, goals and aspirations: professional, academic, social and financial. A fair level of interest has to be invested here, so that realistic working compromises ensue.

And if there’s no mutual respect for what you want out of life... at the beginning, there’s no real reason to believe it’s gonna be there at the middle or the end of a lifetime. No amount of affection you pour into the bottomless pit of someone’s “I-don’t-care cup”, can assuage the bitterness, the feelings of being treated unfairly and dereliction that come with that scenario.

Respect yourself to pursue your happiness even if it’s on your own. Being physically present in, but on the sidelines of someone else’s happiness and dreams just doesn’t seem worth it.

If you're one of those with a fairytale complex (I prefer to think myself an optimist), and you try to take a lesson or two from your favourite movie of the season, sympathize…don’t empathize. (that’s advice I got from a stress management workshop; funny how it fits in here). Be inspired by the story and don’t get lost in the emotions of it. At the end of the day, life is about writing your own story, living your own emotions, and loving every bit of it.

notlikemovies I’m not sure how many of you are aware of the Katy Perry chune “Not like the movies”, which rather creatively agonizes over the notions associated with love. My attempt at a thought-provoking piece aims to question some misnomers of love, relationships and that dreaded biochemical reaction to the opposite (or same) sex so many of us identify with.

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Keeping it in My Pants: Making Sex Unimportant

Brendon O'Brien

Jan 30 |00:00

In the hormone-ravaged, sexually charged terrain of 21st-century relationships, it's hard for a 20-something-year old young, Black, Trini male to survive. Well, not really.

It's actually the place to be for that kinda guy...assuming that he doesn't have a strong, Christian history that he still identifies with. And he doesn't place great emphasis on relationships, commitment, and love. And if his absentee father, grandfather's questionable sexual history, and negative male relationships don't give him a complex about openly defying male stereotypes.

Okay, that was kinda personal. Ignore it. Moving on...

To get to the point, I've been having a few conversations about sex. Mainly because I think I’m the only 21-year-old in East Trinidad that's abstaining from sexual intercourse willingly (yeah, you can go ahead and “awww”, ladies).

It had never dawned on me, though, that this had so much weight. In fact, of all the controversial labels I've worn in the last few years – atheist, activist, LGBT ally, heterosexual, male, jewellery maker – this is the one I'm most concerned about sharing.

Just to set the context, I'm not abstaining because I'm deathly afraid of the fiery pit of hell. I'm more concerned about STIs most times, and that's not it either. I'm concerned about having a level of intimacy with a person based on affection and commitment. It’s kinda how good relationships are built; you nurture an intimate and committed relationship with someone, which, as it grows, ushers in more intimacy and greater commitment.

Thing is, that's pretty out of the ordinary. In fact, it might very well be the wrong way to look at sex. After all, people don't get kissy or huggy. They get horny. And it doesn't only happen to people in committed relationships. Am I any different? Nope. This is partially why me abstaining is so heavy.

I am a horny 21-year-old Black man, living in a country where this means I can go ahead and sex up de damn place. Yet I still have the capacity to keep it in my pants – willingly (this is also very important, as I am a modestly handsome man, and my being abstinent is not a result of a disability, physical deformity or general fugliness).

To add insult to injury, I'm actually in a relationship. Means, opportunity and motive. So what the @ss I really waiting for in serious?

The conversations I’ve had recently about it haven’t made that question easier to answer. They revolved around a couple of ideas that don’t make abstinence seem much cooler. The first one is that, in a world where horniness is divorced from commitment, me waiting makes it difficult for me to keep a relationship, and kinda miraculous that I even have one to start. The second is that me placing so much virtue and principle behind sex is a little oppressive, and a lot obsessive. After all, we’re taught to believe that all relationships end, and it has nothing to do with sex because it’s just a trivial recreation that is allowed in sexual relationships – hence the word ‘sexual’.

So putting so much weight behind sex forces the person you have it with to be mindful of the notion that you want to be with them forever, regardless of the fact that they don’t see that as possible or even normal. Fair points, I suppose. So I’ll take them one at a time…

First off, I can admit that I thought that unless I found another rare Pokémon like myself, or stopped being so silly and just gave up the magic stick, I might have to start adopting cats to spend the rest of my life with. And then I grew up. I was never waiting for someone who had the same values as me. I’m waiting for someone who understands my values, and whose values I understand.

It’s cool if that person had sex, likes long kisses, wears boy shorts, or watches Naruto. Okay, maybe not the Naruto thing, but you get what I mean. Her sexual history doesn’t matter. Her sexual future does.

Having a few sexual encounters is not abnormal. How you judge them, and what you want out of your future, as a sexual being, absolutely does. And I want someone who understands that I desire something special, with someone special. Or else I wouldn’t even waste my time entering a relationship.

Secondly, sex with me isn’t a bargaining chip, a handcuff, or a gun. I’m waiting, because when a relationship grows enough, it can easily support that sort of intimacy. It becomes something special, but not something that a relationship needs to survive.

I have no intention of telling my girlfriend that sex with me means she can never leave. All it means is that, if we know how strongly we feel about each other, we are committed enough to each other to share that intimacy, and share that commitment. That’s it.

I’m not making sex important. I’m making sex unimportant. It’s not what a relationship needs to feel valid, but it can only healthily exist in a valid relationship. In my view, at least. I want a relationship that doesn’t need sex to feel real, and that can handle that time when it comes. And I definitely want to wait, so the person I do have sex with understands that she’s not just another one in the line, but someone I really care about and want to have a special connection with.

Tina Turner once asked, what’s love got to do with it? I say, everything. And that’s what’s important to me.

pants In the hormone-ravaged, sexually charged terrain of 21st-century relationships, it's hard for a 20-something-year old young, Black, Trini male to survive. Well, not really.

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Long-term Relationships: Holy Grail or Crying Shame?

Nicola Williamson

Jan 23 |00:00

I was in a restaurant abroad with a group of girlfriends, some old, some new when the subject of partners came up. Only one member of the group knew I’d been in the same relationship for over fifteen years, since the age of 18. The reaction of the others was unexpected. There was a unanimous dropping of jaws, followed by “you poor thing”, and “why?”

Fortunately, I have a sense of humour, and found their responses hilarious, but it got me thinking. Is monogamy the Holy Grail, or, as my friends saw it, a crying shame.

As a female growing up in Trinidad, I found the whole marriage thing very confusing and contradictory. At school, the pressure was on to study and to avoid the opposite sex. The same pressure came from my mother whose only desire for me, it seemed, was to have a career, and not get pregnant (usually said in the same breath). Yet any male within three feet had to have ‘serious intentions’.

Then there was the whole mistress thing. Ah not naming names, but ah knew a lot of people who were horning dey wife. My mother said, “That’s just the way men are”.

So seeing all that confusion, frankly, I was not too keen on the whole marriage thing. But life has a way of playing tricks on us, and nearly every fellow I went out with asked me to marry him, and eventually I got a vaps, and, with no thought or much planning, I got married. And no, I wasn’t pregnant. I’m just a big fan of not over-thinking things.

Now, I’m quite a few years down the married road, and this monogamy, long-term relationship takes a lot of work. As I lean on my side of the fence and look over at what’s happening on the other side, the high of new relationships, the devastation of divorce, the bliss in a successful second marriage, I contemplate the pros and cons.

Some would say it’s like comparing a well-worn, old pair of shoes to a brand new, to-die-for pair of heels (that if you ask me could pinch your feet too much). Others would say it’s like having the same meal every day, for the rest of your life. I think if either is your view, then a long-term relationship isn’t for you.

A long-term relationship needs willing participants on both sides, as it’s not plain sailing and you do have to compromise (yuh hear that Kim Kardashian). Another important point people in a long-term relationship often forget is that fairy tales are based on fiction, not reality. So when your knight in shining armour turns out to be a real person with all the associated human traits, that is not a reason to end the partnership; that’s when the work begins.

Now, of course, any relationship should not be just work; there are many bonuses to a long-term relationship as well. The relaxed feeling you get with someone you know so well, them knowing what you like, you knowing what they like and the lack of pressure. Ok; you still have to make an effort, but not all the time. You should be able to relax in front the TV in yuh headscarf, curlers and no makeup, and know they won’t run away screaming. If you go out to the cinema, new restaurant or a lime and it stale, you don’t feel awkward; you both just chillax.

That’s not to say you should take the other person for granted, so make sure you avoid falling into a rut. Mix it up sometimes; surprise your partner.

You are going to have good days and bad days, but as long as the good days outweigh the bad, and you both want to be in the relationship long-term, then good luck.

For those ladies who feel ready for a long-term relationship, this is a leap year, so now is your chance.

It isn’t for everyone. As a girlfriend of mine said, she knew it wasn’t for her when every time she saw her husband (now ex), she wanted to stab him. Definitely time to move on, and quickly, at that point.

Some people see marriage or a long-term relationship as an obstacle to their careers and life. They feel they would be held back, and in some cases they may be right. Not every partnership allows both individuals to flourish. But there are the lucky ones whose partners fully support each other and the relationship is symbiotic, with satisfaction on both sides.

Remember, in any relationship, thoughtfulness goes a long way, and thanks costs nothing, but it’s worth a lot.

For those who feel you’re missing out because you’re married or in a long-term relationship, whether male or female, maybe the relationship isn’t right for you. But before you act in haste, consider what you are losing by not being in a long-term, loving, committed relationship.

As a friend said, “I love being in a long-term relationship. Who else would I have to watch Star Trek re-runs with?”

I think, for me anyway, that sums up the comfort and closeness that differentiates short-term highs from long-term happiness.

marriagecrap I was in a restaurant abroad with a group of girlfriends, some old, some new when the subject of partners came up. Only one member of the group knew I’d been in the same relationship for over fifteen years, since the age of 18. The reaction of the others was unexpected. There was a unanimous dropping of jaws, followed by “you poor thing”, and “why?”

Fortunately, I have a sense of humour, and found their responses hilarious, but it got me thinking. Is monogamy the Holy Grail, or, as my friends saw it, a crying shame.

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Why You Shouldn’t Say No to a Fatboy Lover

Kevin Campbell

Jan 16 |00:00

Yep, ah is ah fatboy! There was a time when that statement would have been accompanied by a maudlin disposition, lowered eyelids, and stooped shoulders, but ah pass all dat now. Yes…Christmas done, meh jeans a lil tighter, and I okay with dat!

Oh gosh, maybe I should rephrase…I’m a fat man! Nah, dat sounding WAY too crude, and isn’t in keeping with meh finer sensibilities. No fat man here! Ladies and gentlemen, I hereby christen myself Fat Gent. That’s Mr. Fat Gent to you, dear reader.

Between you and me, I think allyuh missin’ out on a criminally untapped resource in de love department. Some people know wah is de scene, but dey does keep it hush hush. Underground nah. It ain’t catch on yet, but OHHHHHHH, just you wait! By de time this story buss, you, yuh mudder, she sister, and she sister frien’ will come to know what I, and a very select few, dun know already. Fat bwoys ah hit you wit de wickedest slam! BOOM!

To fully appreciate de fatboy mystique, one must delve, head first, into fatboy psychology. Yes chil’ren, dis is serious business!

De fatboy is, by definition, a late bloomer. When de skinny fellas an’ dem was getting it left, right, and centre in school…jamming down in de sweaty bazaar, young fat boy was in de corner biding his time. He developed patience. He knew dat the class skettel wouldn’t let him sample she chow-chow as easily as de other fellas, so he had to learn she.

From de doubles stand, he watch she when she was wit she friends and dem. From by de cheese pie man, he study how she does act ‘round she different man and dem. Every evening, he make sure he had a clear view of she from by de fudge lady. He watched, he observed, he made mental notes, and, under de sheets of his twin bed, executed a swift and intense masturbatory sequence. He developed imagination.

Out of desperate necessity, young fatboy often had to dig deep into his well of cusswords and backchat to fend off the daily taunts that came his way. Sure, young fatboy’s shirt strained under the pressure of his newly forming moobs, and his belly threatened to sag over the precipice of belt. Dah used to give him rell horrors!

Doh tie up yuh head though. He would waste no time letting you know de exact role yuh mudder play in all of it! He developed a backbone. He developed a quick wit. He developed a sense of humour.

Ask anybody wha’ dey looking for in ah man, and ah will bet you a Patraj dhalpourie dat patience, imagination, backbone, wit, and humour WILL be a part of the requirements. Fatboys ha dat in spades! *steups* Dah is de default settings!

Wha yuh say? Yuh ain’t dancing wit no big-belly man?! Orrr, if yuh cyah feel de bone, leave yuh alone!

Hmm, allyuh woman does never cease to amuse me, nah. Yuh tink you is de first woman ah hear say dat fat boys “lacking”? Ah wonder how you go feel if I appraise YOU like dat! Nah nah nah, doh play shy now…

“Excuse meh, miss…yuh mind standing up?”

“Ah promise it ain’t go take long.”

“What ah looking for? Well miss, if you say yuh looking fuh big bone, I tink is fair fuh me to look fuh what I want, too!”

“…hmm, yuh know yuh is not a bad-looking woman! Pretty face…nice rack. Buh wait, yuh wanna show meh whey yuh back end and dat bamcee begin?! Wait nah, is sag yuh jeans saggin’ in de back dey! Nah!”

“Oh gosh doux doux, doh get vex! Ah was jus tryin’ to prove ah point.”

“Doh throw stones from YOUR glass house, mmmkay!”

How yuh go feel if a man do you dat?

Anyway, ah was just about to tell yuh one of the MOST coveted an’ overlooked secrets about ah fat boy. He could lick down ah pan ah sweetbread, he go lick down dem six doubles, he go lick down dem planters cheeseballs, and babygirl, he go lick down dah nanny good, good, good!

Doh let dem tie up yuh head, mon cheri. Yuh doh need 12 inches!

Buh aye aye…look who blushing now!

Since I have yuh…let meh give yuh de fat boy guidelines. Yeah, dis is like de “for best results” section. Keep these ever mindful, eh!

1. Acknowledge de beauty

Unfortunately, we does live in ah world dat have a limited view on wha’ is considered attractive. Dis ain’t new. But wha’ doesn’t cease tuh amaze me is how universal de fat boy/gyal punch line is! And sometimes dis punch line is at the expense of people who I tink does look good! When I see ah hard pan, ashy-kneed, piranha-toothed woman gettin’ away with harassin’ ah fat boy/gyal, ah does really be at ah loss fuh words. Give credit where it due nah! If de fat boy lookin’ sharp, giv’ him ah compliment nah! Some ah we does look hot as hell! Likewise, if yuh know yuh hunny is ah good person….loyal, attentive, caring…acknowledge it!

2. No fat references in ah serious argument

Unless yuh looking to collect ah cuss down, and potentially ruin yuh relationship, avoid ALL references to size/weight in serious arguments. Ting like sliding yuh credit card between he love handles, and screaming “purchase!” go get yuh de pink slip!

3. Life balance

If yuh is ah good woman, you will ultimately take yuh fat boy for what he is. At de same time, though, yuh will slowly, and I emphasize slowly, introduce him to ah lifestyle beyond de doubles stand. I ain’t go lie, we go kick and scream, but deep down yuh fat boy wants, needs, and truly appreciates this. It go take ah special woman to do it though, cuz rushin’ dis phase…and hidin’ de snacks an’ shit? De post man go bring yuh ah quick copy ah de pink slip. In Jesus name, Amen.

Even though the greater portion of this piece is in jest, I’m inviting you all to explore the possibility that the patience, imagination, backbone, wit, and sense of humour you’re searching for in a partner may be right under your nose…cleverly disguised in the neighbourhood fatboy. A knight in shining armour awaits. Pay attention!

tamarandvince Yep, ah is ah fatboy! There was a time when that statement would have been accompanied by a maudlin disposition, lowered eyelids, and stooped shoulders, but ah pass all dat now. Yes…Christmas done, meh jeans a lil tighter, and I okay with dat!

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Feteing wid Yuh Lover, but Wining on Someone Else?

Karel Mc Intosh

Jan 16 |00:00

Anyhow yuh wine, a wine is a wine, but…

Ladies, when you’re in a fete, do you like to see your man wining on another woman?

Men, are you okay if your woman wines wotlessly on another man?

Is the sharing of bumcees tantamount to the most illegal of wines, or is it simply an act of liking yuhself in a fete?

Superblue’s classic line – “Ah feelin’ to wine on something” – isn’t going to get you off the hook, if your honey sees you ‘rubbin’ up’ a little too much on someone else. But what is the big deal about your lover wining on someone else? Is it totally okay? Or does it depend on how they wine?

Sometimes, you really don’t have a problem with it. But when friends come to ‘shoo shoo’ in yuh ear, and say, “Breds, how Marlon winin’ on yuh gyul so?”, or Michelle tells Avion, “I think Roger enjoying that wine a bit too much eh”, what yuh go do? Do you tell your friend, “Is nuttin”? Or do you now feel to quarrel with your honey about something that honestly didn’t bother you before?

Whether wining on someone else might cause some drama in your love life is really a subjective topic for discussion. It’s all about how both of you view wining and physical intimacy. And it depends on whether you think your partner is enjoying the wine a bit too much, in your opinion. And I say in your opinion, because every lover of winery will have a different take on this. The rules vary. But here’s my take.

I don’t think that your man wining on someone else is necessarily bad, but I do know that in the past, while I’ve never made a vocal fuss about it, it has bothered me somewhat. Some of us just like to hold onto the person we love, no clinginess involved. Even if your partner is cantankerous, and we all know that this is the season of bacchanalia and related activities, that doesn’t kill the jealousy. Right?

However, some of us like boundaries. On the other hand, some of us don’t care, because who he/she going home wit’?

But let’s be real, while some of us really may not have a problem seeing our partner wine on someone else, there are certain scenarios when we might start to feel ‘ahow’. For example, men, if a man has his hands all over yuh woman, and she’s not controlling the movement, yuh blood wouldn’t flare up a bit?

Ladies, what about if the DJ happens to play yuh favourite tune for de season, and yuh gone running to find yuh honey so you could dance to it with him, and find him wining with Rhonda, and he doesn’t even acknowledge yuh presence? Yuh mightn’t get damn vex?

Single people, if you’re only just getting to know someone, and you two aren’t exclusive, meaning you have no claim to each other, then you really can’t ‘get on’, unless the other person’s behaviour makes you ‘look bad’, or falls within what’s considered embarrassing behaviour.

Back to the couples…

Is Carnival. A wine is a wine. But, for the person who has heard stories of a wine turning into ah horn, is it? And I know this problem would not rear its head only at Carnival time. It could happen in 51 or even a house party (if you’re fortunate to even have the pleasure of attending one in these modern times) at any time of the year.

Now, notice something. In almost every scenario I’ve given, what’s the common thing rearing its head? Feelings. Hence, you and your honey should probably have a talk, and know your limits from before.

Better yet if both of you are on the same page in terms of what you consider to be respect for the other person’s feelings, and how certain actions ‘go look’. Or maybe you have a special song you like to wine to with him/her. Know the times when yuh man or woman will definitely be looking fuh yuh. Ah mean…I doh know if “Garlic Sauce” is allyuh jam!

Disrespect, jealousy, hurt, or shame (especially if yuh man ketch a good head from some puncheon and forget all about you) are some of the things you have to deal with, if your partner doesn’t put your feelings first.

So maybe it’s a good idea to set your terms of winery beforehand. Maybe a ‘social wine’ is okay with friends, or wining to one or two songs. If your significant other is wining with someone else for more than two songs, while you stand there pretending to be having a ball with your posse, then you two may have some other issues to discuss.

I know that some people don’t wine with other people, because they don’t feel comfortable doing it, or consider how their partner would feel. And if you know you doh like to see your man or woman wining on someone else, don’t do it to them. If yuh cyah take de jamming, doh give what you cannot take.

If you get jealous easily, you might need to temper it. Ask yourself if you’re being a little jealous (which isn’t necessarily an unhealthy feeling), and it’s really nothing to hot yuh head about, or if you’re being too possessive.

Now, in trying to assess your jealous reaction, try to remain objective, especially if someone is trying to pull wool over your eye about a horn. Yuh know how people like to buss de, “Yuh too paranoid” line! While you try to lower your tendency to be jealous, don’t let it numb your intuition.

Objectivity is also key to prevent yourself from ‘making a scene’ for what really is an innocent dance.

The rules of wining on other people is really one that you and your partner should agree, or, at least, compromise, on. If it bothers you, I don’t see why you should stay quiet about it. Surely you can calmly discuss it, outside de fete (de middle of a party is not the place for dat talk).

Each relationship is different, and, at Carnival time, it’s good to know what each person feels comfortable with, and avoid drama. Ah mean…you don’t want to be the man who gets a drink thrown on him, or the woman who gets left in de fete for overdoing de winery with someone else, right?

winingclub Anyhow yuh wine, a wine is a wine, but…

Ladies, when you’re in a fete, do you like to see your man wining on another woman?

Men, are you okay if your woman wines wotlessly on another man?

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Self & Relationships

Love and Relationships: Not Like the Movies

Keeping it in My Pants: Making Sex Unimportant

Long-term Relationships: Holy Grail or Crying Shame?

Why You Shouldn’t Say No to a Fatboy Lover

Feteing wid Yuh Lover, but Wining on Someone Else?

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