Relationship purgatory: Why you shouldn’t wait for love

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Have you ever had a man tell you he cares about you too much to be with you? That he can’t bear to hurt you, so he won’t pursue a relationship because he’s afraid to break your heart? It’s the most infuriating thing to hear, and frankly, I’m fed up of being told that.

In my lifetime, I’ve had four men tell me that – four men I genuinely cared about. Only one ever came back around to follow up on his promise of wanting to be together, at the right time, but unfortunately for him, his watch and mine didn’t match up. I’d already moved on, and was not interested.

I don’t know how it is when the situation is switched around on them, but men love to think that they can come to you on their own timing. Time waits on no man baby, and neither should you.

They think they’re doing you a favour, which they probably are, by not being with you. I can appreciate someone who doesn’t want to hurt me, but do men realise that they also hurt you by not being with you? Do they realise that it makes you question yourself sometimes? You’re left to wonder if maybe it’s so easy to say no to you because you’re not pretty enough, special enough, or don’t have that je ne sais quoi that would render them unable to resist you. Because if you care so deeply for someone, wouldn’t you feel the need to be with them?

There’s always that one person (or more) who makes you yearn for them in a way no one else can. You like each other; everything seems as if it’s an almost perfect match, but for some reason or the other you never make the relationship happen. More often than not, it’s because one party just can’t decide whether they’re brave enough to make that step. So what do you do? Wait on them, or dust your feet, and keep it moving?


“Life doesn’t always turn out like the movies ‘The Notebook’ or ‘Love and Basketball’.”


Life doesn’t always turn out like the movies “The Notebook” or “Love and Basketball”. Should you have to convince someone you’re worthy? Should you even try to change someone’s mind? If they’re not ready, well then maybe they really aren’t ready. And forget that soulmate bs. There’s more than one person out there for you. I really believe that.

Obviously, there’ll always be the question as to, “I wonder how things could have been?”

However, waiting is not recommended by your love doctor. Sometimes you end up wasting your time. I’ve done it once before, and have always promised to never do it again. What makes it particularly worse is when the person knows they care about you, but they’re just scared shitless of the prospect of things not working out between the both of you. Or, to them, they care for you, but they don’t think they’re ready for a ‘proper’ relationship, even though they think there’s a good chance you’d have something great.


“… something with so much potential never takes flight, because of the ‘f’ word.”


What’s tragic about these kinds of situations, is that something with so much potential never takes flight, because of the “f” word, fear.

Relationship purgatory can be hell on earth. My problem is I love too hard. So the only safe way for me to react to such a situation is to try to remove myself from the equation. Despite how great I think the person and I can be together, I can’t allow myself to imagine, because imagination is just that, imagination. Reality is reality.

When you stay emotionally invested in someone else, then you won’t be able to give the next person who comes along a fair chance. Yes you may genuinely be interested in them, but you become emotionally unavailable or closed to the prospect of loving another person.


“It’s not that men don’t go through this as well.”


It’s not that men don’t go through this as well. The difference is that they are most likely to explore other options in the meantime, sowing their oats or just having fun, while us girls can’t imagine kissing someone else. Men and women react differently to the notion of waiting on someone. What they feed as us children to make us turn out this way, I do not know.

I’ve been told that I’m cautious in love. Sometimes I can care for a person much more than they know. While this can sometimes work against me, I can’t help but think it can help to lessen the degree of heartache and disappointment in the end. This doesn’t mean that one should be averse to getting caught up in the whirlwind of romance. It’s a feeling that can bring you sheer ecstasy, but it’s not something you should attempt on your own. It only makes sense to remove all your guards and give in to your emotions fully, when the next person is just as open to the possibilities.

I strongly believe in not pursuing someone, as they have to make a decision to be with you, but you also have to make a decision to ensure they don’t keep you waiting until you’re on a pension plan. So when it comes to deciding whether to wait, I opt to make the decision now.

When a guy hems and haws, despite the strength of the connection, and says he’s not sure, but he’s not striking out the possibility, I strike it out, and I don’t hold onto hope. This might seem extreme, but it beats waiting for Godot, which is what they almost always make you do. That, or choose someone who’s not necessarily a better choice.

You need to take back the power in the emotional aspect of your life. Yes, life is colourful, but it’s pretty much clearer when you remove the grey areas, and aim for black and white. Of course, life can be messy, so the colours may bleed, but when you reach a point where you realize that grey just doesn’t look good on you, it’s time to draw the lines.



  1. Observer

    August 30, 2010 at 12:32 am

    The truth is that most of those men were letting you down easy. I don’t know what the guy who tacked back was thinking.

    BUt the whole it’s not you it’s me, I’d hurt you too much…all that crap is a nice way of saying “uhhh…nope.” He has drunk the juice, and had a nice time, but something about the whole thing doesn’t make him want to pick the fruit.

    UNless you KNOW the guy has gone through a bitter divorce, breakup, somebody died etc. then read between the lines.

    And who knows, maybe it isn’t the guys. Maybe it’s you? Four times for this to happen is a lot.

  2. skhan

    August 30, 2010 at 2:23 am

    Hey Observer. Well I could qualify the situations by explaining the scenarios, but then that would go over the word limit. If I didn’t know myself, the dynamics of the situations (which would bring what you mentioned about reading between the lines), or didn’t have a great relationship with these ‘guys’ to this day, I’d be very much inclined to think something was wrong with me too :) And no. They didn’t drink the juice. Maybe that was the problem. Lol.

    On the real though, some men can also overthink situations and psyche themselves out. My philosophy in life though is whatever you don’t get, wasn’t really meant for you…

  3. Lisa-Marie

    September 1, 2010 at 2:04 am

    If a guy is hemming and hawing, then the truth is, he doesn’t want to be with you. All the lines about not wanting to hurt you…etc etc are (as the Observer said) just letting you down easy.

    I hasten to add that this is NOT because something is wrong with you. You both feel a connection, but it goes no further? The guy is just dealing with his own issues, (and it’s always a multitude of complex ones) just as you are dealing with yours…
    I agree, waiting is a big mistake.

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