Men unlocked: How to Manipulate a Man

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Eng here and I am chuckling to myself, as I write this. Why? Because my husband will probably say that I don’t know what I am talking about.

I must preface. Even though, I have figured men out, having had one of my own for 14 years now, I still get it wrong. But just because you could drive, doesn’t mean that accidents will never happen, right?

Men. Those of us who want one… want a good one. One to respect us. Love us. Make us laugh. Ravage us in the bedroom, and every other room in the house. A man who takes our breath away. A man who compliments our cooking. A man who tells us we are hot. A man who loves us more than his mother. A man who would give everything up for us.

I have that. What’s my secret? Sometimes I feel it is a secret even I don’t know. Because contrary to popular belief, being a happily married woman still involves wanting to kill your husband every now and then. Ok at least once a week.

People are different. Where there are similarities, there will be differences. Where this is understanding, there will be miscommunication. Fact!

But one thing is constant – men. They are who they are, and they are certainly not complex enough to change. And God forbid we try.

So ladies, I am going to educate you.

I have a two-year-old son. And he always doing some mischief and I always respond by screaming:

“CLARK!!!!!!”

Fact: Almost every man has had a woman screaming at him since he was two. And guess what, he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like being told what to do by his mother, and certainly not you.

I know they do things to make us scream. I have a room full of gold medals for screaming. But it doesn’t get me anywhere.

“Almost every man has had a woman screaming at him since he was two. And guess what, he doesn’t like it.”

Focus on the objective, not the situation.

Example? Ok. Sunday ah cooking lunch. Stewed chicken with lentils, macaroni pie, potato au gratin, fried fish and potato salad. I slept with Clark last night and he woke me up bright and early. I’ve been on my feet since about 8.00 a.m. and still going at 1.15 p.m. I have also sorted the recycling, done two loads of laundry, and sorted my mail for the week, all while running back and forth from Clark’s room for his two-dozen requests an hour.

Two, full garbage bags are in the kitchen. And there’s hubby. On his decks. Playing music. There’s no indication he is going to take them out.

My immediate thought is, “But he eh see meh doing all ah this. Me eh ask him to do nothing. Yuh mean to say he cyan see de garbage dey!”

Honestly, he can’t. He thinks that I am doing my thing, and I want him to stay out of my way. Now I can say, “So yuh not going to take out de effing garbage?!?!?!” But that would get me nowhere – guaranteed. But I want the garbage outside.

Now ladies – sit back and learn.

“Babe, I just finishing cook lunch and then I going to wash the kitchen mats; you mind taking out the garbage for me so I could go bathe Clark quick before we eat?”

Result: Job done. He thinking, “She doing all ah dat and only want me to take out de garbage. And food ready? Nice!”

“Manipulation must always be in our back pocket.”

Yes ladies. We may not all have to be a gold digger, but manipulation must always be in our back pocket.

If I had screamed at him to take out the garbage, not only would he not have done it, but we would have fought for the rest of the day, and while the make-up sex would have been quality, the fighting would have been draining.

Lesson: Don’t wait for your man to figure out what you want him to do. Ask him. In a nice way. I know it sounds simple, but it works.

Like if you want a new pair of shoes. You working, so that is not a problem. Now you already bought two pairs, two outfits, and a dress that weekend. But the shoes nice. But you eh go have no money if you buy it. Most of us will go buy it, knowing that our man will handle we. As soon as we bounce in the house with our new shoes he says, “Another pair of shoes?”

Now doh get tie up. He knows the price point of all de tings yuh like. So he know how much dat shoe cost.

“So what if I buy another pair of shoes? What de arse ah wukking hard for?”

He asks (because he knows yuh business), “But how you going to get through the rest of the month? What about gas for your car? Food? Going out?”

“I go get it from you! What yuh feel yuh dere for?”

Screechhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Guaranteed fight. You have assumed that he would pick up the slack just like I could have assumed that he would take out the garbage.

Men don’t like to feel that their role has been carved out for them without their consent. Now between us ladies, we know their role. We know what we want them to do, and when, but sometimes our execution prevents us from achieving our objective.

So let’s try it again.

Come home from shopping with one bag with a small, but thoughtful gift. A magazine on whatever he likes (cars/music), a little gadget, a small bottle of cologne; you get what I saying, something thoughtful.

He will then say thanks and feel special. He will ask, “You eh get nothing?”, and you will reply, “Ah saw a pair of shoes yuh know but ah already treat mehself for the month and I need what I have left to rally to next pay day nah. Is nothing, I go wait.”

He then says, “Oh gosh babe. Yuh should ah buy it, yuh know I will handle yuh.”

See? I get my shoes, and he feel he in control. Me eh business bout control. I too old for that. I just want de damn shoes sans ole talk.

Sometimes you have to do things differently to get what you want. Men eh budging if yuh confront them or demand of them. Put them in a situation to come up with an idea themselves or where they feel that they getting away with little to do (the garbage bags), and yuh good to go.

And ah little sex three times a week. Well that come like pepper sauce. Yuh eh go dead if yuh doh have it, but it go make everything go dong better.

Eng out.

Image credit: lisafalzon.com

 

Michelle Eng Leang

Michelle Eng Leang is a Trini living in the UK. Married for almost ten years, she is a mother to a two-year-old-son. She eh really cater - and that's all you need to know. You want an honest opinion? With her, that's exactly what you are going to get. Check out her blog http://mamaengsthoughts.blogspot.com.

11 Comments

  1. Blackdiamonds

    December 27, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    Girl too funny but sooo ssoo true! Thanks for sharing examples..lol Im slowly but surely learning..

    • newt

      October 4, 2015 at 4:51 am

      this article looks like it’s written by a 10 year old. obviously if you want someone to do something, you dont scream at them like an asshole. would you listen to someone that yells at you to get you to do something? She says that she has men “figured out” because she has had a husband for 14 years. she says that everyone is different except for men with no cited evidence or logic. people actually listen to these idiots?

      • more

        July 24, 2016 at 5:17 pm

        you’re terrible! it’s dialect, which doesn’t debase the whole article. You are an example of ignorance out of convenience.

  2. Vulcan

    January 14, 2012 at 8:11 am

    While I struggled to understand your retarded choice of words, I thought those 2 examples you displayed were cute. I am a male, and now I have to thank to be well aware of what to look out for should such a situation arise. I am so thrilled to see you must resort to petty tactics to get more of something that you really don’t need. Yes, let’s forget about gas,food, and other needs for the sake of your shoes. So when you don’t have the money to pay for gas to go to work, you need but to only thank yourself for those great looking new shoes that you will surely forget about in less than a month. Females are so hopeless. I hope you break your neck the next time you’re cleaning the kitchen.

    • Piotr

      October 6, 2015 at 2:29 pm

      Wow, you sound like quite the catch, wishing for someone to break their neck and all. And for what? For not doing what *you* think is best? A person should spend their money as they see fit.

      • Michelle Eng Leang

        Michelle Antoinette Eng Leang

        October 6, 2015 at 8:55 pm

        Hahahaha! Love this comment.

        • vb

          February 29, 2016 at 9:43 pm

          Gyul I enjoyed this read. And say buh wait nah she’s ah Trini de way de slangs fit in so nicely. Very informative. Thank u!

  3. Mitziedossantos

    June 12, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    This was awesome..loved it!

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  5. magnus

    October 28, 2012 at 5:44 pm

    I am very interested in gender issues, especially sense it seems like there has been so much said about womens concerns in out society but hardly anything about mens (mens problems as a group are generally concidered to be human problems, not male). I find it disturbing that women constantly have the need to condensend men for not acting according to your preferences in a relationship. Statistics clearly show that men and women work about as much when adding up both work in the workplace and in the home. When men “slack” at home this is usually compensation for the fact that they have worked more during the day and during the week.

    Women have tremendous power in our society. You usually control the family, the social circle, the children, the familys consumtion etc. There is nothing empirical that indicates that men have more to say about this than women. So when women take this power for granted, (just like many men take the right to focus on their careers for granted) and control the relationship, of course you are going to get upset when that big child your husband don’t live up to your demands.

  6. hamsterman

    January 20, 2014 at 3:17 pm

    As a guy, I like to see this advice. it is very good for communication.

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