If Adults Wrote to Santa

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Dear Santa,

I know I haven’t written for many Christmases, but it’s not that I ever stopped believing in you. Ok, maybe my faith faltered for a couple years, but if so many people believed that Patrick Manning really “loved them so” and “would take good care of them”, then I’m game for a white man in a red, velvet, fur-trimmed suit who delivers presents for Christmas.

By the way Santa, I really think only you can pull off that suit, and the snow-white hair and beard really help the whole image, don’t listen to those disbelievers on Facebook who say differently; they just don’t understand North Pole fashion.

I know what you’re going to ask me, have I been naughty or nice? There are at least ten vagrants on the Brian Lara Promenade who can account for my ‘niceness’, with my willingness to give them a dollar or buy them doubles for breakfast. I stood up in a bus this past year for an elderly person. I gave back all the wrong change I mistakenly received. I try not to cuss?

To tell you the truth Santa, I’m hoping you grade on a curve, and that you’re also judging our ‘goodness’ regionally. Regionally, Trinbagonians are definitely more helpful than our counterparts, even if we’re a bit conditional… and nationally, I figure if any of our politicians also decide to write you, I’m definitely nicer than they are. My parents taught me not to look at what others do though, so scratch that last comment with the politicians.

Look Santa, I’m not sure how you judge this nice versus naughty thing, but in case of you were thinking about rejecting my Christmas wish list, I’ve attached a couple of the vagrants’ references. Now that I’m eligible for your ‘Nice’ pile, this Christmas Santa I’d like…

 

A car

… After almost two years traveling, Santa I need my own ride. I calculated the money I’ve spent in taxi fares, and I’m sure I’ve assisted the Sando-POS driver with the purchase of his ‘weekend car’. I’m lucky if I don’t have to stand in the bus, and that I haven’t frozen to death under their snow machines they call air conditioners.

Strange characters emerge as the sun sets, and, honestly Santa, I’m just too good of a person to get accosted while pumping the P 2s. Lucky for you we don’t have chimneys here in T&T; so just park it in front and make sure it comes with a state-of-the-art anti-theft alarm system.

 

A taser

…because I figure there might be too many legal issues with a gun. Nice girls like me need a portable weapon Santa! Have you been reading the papers? Both you and I know that 448 deaths for the year divided by the current population makes for a murder rate of less than 1%, but my foreign relatives have officially made me ‘bummy’ about living in my homeland.  I’m not saying it’s improbable that I could be a victim of crime, but if I do happen to be in the wrong place, at the wrong time, surrounded by spineless citizens who won’t help an innocent person… at least I’ll have my taser.

 

A baby

I like the brown ones because they look like me. The African ones are really cute, at least the ones Madonna and Angelina Jolie picked up. Can you see if they have any more? Besides filling my desire to be an awesome mom, with your help, we can save a helpless child, and my stomach from any more stretch marks. A baby is a big responsibility, but I want to assure you that I’ve thought long and hard about raising a child in this world. I know this gift might be a bit controversial, but think of how cool it would be if I could tell little Adobe that Santa dropped him off instead of the stork!

 

A snuggle buddy

For your fans under ten, you’d expect the stuffed variety, but as I’m a bit older I’d really appreciate a flesh and bones play thing. You can probably pick him up when you’re picking up the baby. Little girls want the cute, soft, good listener, tea party date – us grown women aren’t that different. I’d like my ‘Snuggles’ to not only be handsome, but also a good listener, who likes to have a good time… in bed. I understand you’re working with a big request list and a small timeframe, so just ask him if he enjoys spoken word; if he answers, “No”, he’s probably not a good snuggle buddy, or handsome… next!

 

An HDC house

… or any other humble abode that I may call my own. Preferably in a no-flood zone and with working streetlights. Please stop shaking your head and repeating, “A house?” I don’t expect you to deliver the whole thing, just the front door key. Santa I understand that there might be ‘nicer’ people who’ve been waiting for bligh from HDC much longer than I, but they know it’s a ‘lottery’ system, and aren’t expecting miracles any time soon.  Plus, they should’ve pulled out the big guns and thought about writing to you.

 

And lastly, a Blackberry

… with postpaid rates, but prepaid commitment. I know Christmas is a time for giving, but with the rates Bmobile and Digicel hit me with all year (yes I have two phones), my gifting options are down to handmade cards and flowers ‘borrowed’ from the neighbour’s yard. I understand that this is one gift that may require a little North Pole magic, but Santa, I believe in you!

So that’s my list, only five measly requests. I realize why you don’t really accommodate us adults Santa; our requests are definitely bigger than the wooden trains and baby dolls you’re used to delivering. Still, with a track record dating back to 1773, millions of dedicated pre-pubescents and your status as a ‘saint’ in some parts of the world, I’m so excited about your delivery, I don’t know how I’ll be able to sleep a wink on Christmas Eve.

Thanks in advance, I’ll leave out the tin of Danish cookies and put a pastelle in the microwave; the ponche de crème goes bad if it stays out… so it’s on the top shelf of the fridge. Merry Christmas!

 

Love,

Qui

 

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Quilin Achat

Quilin Achat is an avid lover of reading, so it's no surprise that she runs a small, unconventional bookstore called The Fire is Lit, in San Fernando. Check out the Fire is Lit at http://facebook.com/theFireisLit.

14 Comments

  1. Paula Lindo

    December 20, 2010 at 12:49 am

    I’ll take the car, the taser, the snuggle buddy and the BB, thanks much :D. Good one Qui 😀

  2. Desa

    December 20, 2010 at 12:55 am

    Love your Christmas list Q! Make sure and let me kmow if Santa comes through on Saturday so I can start thinking about my list for next year from now!

  3. Nyasha Cohen

    December 20, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    ;D . Funny Article! I love your list. I would like the taser and the car too, lol. 😀

  4. Amanda Kissoon

    December 22, 2010 at 3:33 am

    love your list! i want a car too santa!

  5. Amanda Kissoon

    December 22, 2010 at 3:35 am

    oh and #outlish for the above comment…

  6. Dora Khan

    December 22, 2010 at 5:29 am

    Santa, i just want the house ;-). Come good, or else i just might be going hunting this year… 😉 (#outlish)

  7. karima

    December 22, 2010 at 10:57 am

    great article!! the car will come in handy right about now :)

  8. Isaac Rudder

    December 23, 2010 at 3:10 am

    lol the only thing i want from there is a car yes. And I don’t even want that, I want to win a lil lotto or have someone feed me endless money so I could do what I want with it. Maybe I could get #outlish to give me some =P

  9. Nazneem N Hosein-Samaroo

    December 23, 2010 at 10:55 am

    You know, this is an incredible article…. probably because so much of it falls in my garden!!! ;D But if I had to write to Santa….
    1. Santa call up dooks and tell him to deal with CLICO asap! I’m dead broke!
    2. Again, tell dooks to handle PSA President Duke nice, public servants workin real hard!
    3.And lastly, please make sure that doubles and KFC don’t go up again… I don’t think I could afford it anymore…;)

  10. Nkese F

    December 24, 2010 at 12:55 am

    Well Im gettin the car and i have the BB. but i can DEFO do with the house and snuggle buddy! I could wait for Santa to bring the baby in Christmas 2013! 😀

  11. Reesa T

    December 26, 2010 at 1:14 am

    Cracked me up.
    To Santa, I’ve been good the whole year, can I get all of them please ?….pretty please ?

  12. Elizabeth Turner

    December 26, 2010 at 2:44 am

    This person is a mind reader, I hoped for the exact same six items for Christmas. I guess alot of trini’s think alike :)

  13. Ana

    December 28, 2010 at 9:03 am

    I loved this article. Very funny. Did Santa come through for you? LOL..

  14. Rashidah Vitalis

    January 5, 2011 at 4:45 am

    This article is so funny!!
    What about the stereotypical pageant questions like World Peace and the end of Poverty!!
    #PILAR

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