If Adults Wrote to Santa
I know I haven’t written for many Christmases, but it’s not that I ever stopped believing in you. Ok, maybe my faith faltered for a couple years, but if so many people believed that Patrick Manning really “loved them so” and “would take good care of them”, then I’m game for a white man in a red, velvet, fur-trimmed suit who delivers presents for Christmas.
By the way Santa, I really think only you can pull off that suit, and the snow-white hair and beard really help the whole image, don’t listen to those disbelievers on Facebook who say differently; they just don’t understand North Pole fashion.
I know what you’re going to ask me, have I been naughty or nice? There are at least ten vagrants on the Brian Lara Promenade who can account for my ‘niceness’, with my willingness to give them a dollar or buy them doubles for breakfast. I stood up in a bus this past year for an elderly person. I gave back all the wrong change I mistakenly received. I try not to cuss?
To tell you the truth Santa, I’m hoping you grade on a curve, and that you’re also judging our ‘goodness’ regionally. Regionally, Trinbagonians are definitely more helpful than our counterparts, even if we’re a bit conditional… and nationally, I figure if any of our politicians also decide to write you, I’m definitely nicer than they are. My parents taught me not to look at what others do though, so scratch that last comment with the politicians.
Look Santa, I’m not sure how you judge this nice versus naughty thing, but in case of you were thinking about rejecting my Christmas wish list, I’ve attached a couple of the vagrants’ references. Now that I’m eligible for your ‘Nice’ pile, this Christmas Santa I’d like…
… After almost two years traveling, Santa I need my own ride. I calculated the money I’ve spent in taxi fares, and I’m sure I’ve assisted the Sando-POS driver with the purchase of his ‘weekend car’. I’m lucky if I don’t have to stand in the bus, and that I haven’t frozen to death under their snow machines they call air conditioners.
Strange characters emerge as the sun sets, and, honestly Santa, I’m just too good of a person to get accosted while pumping the P 2s. Lucky for you we don’t have chimneys here in T&T; so just park it in front and make sure it comes with a state-of-the-art anti-theft alarm system.
…because I figure there might be too many legal issues with a gun. Nice girls like me need a portable weapon Santa! Have you been reading the papers? Both you and I know that 448 deaths for the year divided by the current population makes for a murder rate of less than 1%, but my foreign relatives have officially made me ‘bummy’ about living in my homeland. I’m not saying it’s improbable that I could be a victim of crime, but if I do happen to be in the wrong place, at the wrong time, surrounded by spineless citizens who won’t help an innocent person… at least I’ll have my taser.
I like the brown ones because they look like me. The African ones are really cute, at least the ones Madonna and Angelina Jolie picked up. Can you see if they have any more? Besides filling my desire to be an awesome mom, with your help, we can save a helpless child, and my stomach from any more stretch marks. A baby is a big responsibility, but I want to assure you that I’ve thought long and hard about raising a child in this world. I know this gift might be a bit controversial, but think of how cool it would be if I could tell little Adobe that Santa dropped him off instead of the stork!
A snuggle buddy
For your fans under ten, you’d expect the stuffed variety, but as I’m a bit older I’d really appreciate a flesh and bones play thing. You can probably pick him up when you’re picking up the baby. Little girls want the cute, soft, good listener, tea party date – us grown women aren’t that different. I’d like my ‘Snuggles’ to not only be handsome, but also a good listener, who likes to have a good time… in bed. I understand you’re working with a big request list and a small timeframe, so just ask him if he enjoys spoken word; if he answers, “No”, he’s probably not a good snuggle buddy, or handsome… next!
An HDC house
… or any other humble abode that I may call my own. Preferably in a no-flood zone and with working streetlights. Please stop shaking your head and repeating, “A house?” I don’t expect you to deliver the whole thing, just the front door key. Santa I understand that there might be ‘nicer’ people who’ve been waiting for bligh from HDC much longer than I, but they know it’s a ‘lottery’ system, and aren’t expecting miracles any time soon. Plus, they should’ve pulled out the big guns and thought about writing to you.
And lastly, a Blackberry
… with postpaid rates, but prepaid commitment. I know Christmas is a time for giving, but with the rates Bmobile and Digicel hit me with all year (yes I have two phones), my gifting options are down to handmade cards and flowers ‘borrowed’ from the neighbour’s yard. I understand that this is one gift that may require a little North Pole magic, but Santa, I believe in you!
So that’s my list, only five measly requests. I realize why you don’t really accommodate us adults Santa; our requests are definitely bigger than the wooden trains and baby dolls you’re used to delivering. Still, with a track record dating back to 1773, millions of dedicated pre-pubescents and your status as a ‘saint’ in some parts of the world, I’m so excited about your delivery, I don’t know how I’ll be able to sleep a wink on Christmas Eve.
Thanks in advance, I’ll leave out the tin of Danish cookies and put a pastelle in the microwave; the ponche de crème goes bad if it stays out… so it’s on the top shelf of the fridge. Merry Christmas!
Check out the rest of this week’s issue (12/20/10; Issue 37). It’s our Christmas issue:
- Rembunction: Music, Life and Motion
- The Most Memorable Trini Viral Videos of 2010
- Just Do It: Actions vs. New Year’s Resolutions
- 6 Things I Learnt from Scrunter
- Why Must Santa Get All the Glory?
Look out for a new issue of Outlish every Monday.
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