How to get a commitment phobic man to commit

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Trying to get a man who doesn’t want to be in a relationship… to be in a relationship… is like trying to fit a rhinoceros through a mouse-hole. So why do girls keep trying to do it?
If a man doesn’t want to be committed to you, why try to force him? Oh, and note the difference between him wanting to be with you, and him wanting to commit to you. Women like to hate on men who just want some booty or to have some fun. Can you really blame them if you’re a hottie and want to ‘get some’? They have needs. Like dogs… they like to hump. Ok men I’ll be nice.
Seriously though. Some men are very upfront about they willingness or unwillingness to commit. They might tell you they like you. They may lime with you often. They may even ‘run up’ their phone bill, talking to you. You’re convinced they like you, and you’re probably right. They do like you.
However, when someone – man or woman – doesn’t want to commit to an exclusive relationship, like and love don’t have as much say as we think. Love is not always as strong a force as gravity to make sure that they have no choice but to plant their feet firmly on the ground next to you.
Let’s look at the potential for a couple moving from a steady relationship to marriage. Most girls treat almost every guy they date as prospective husband material. They’re more smitten with the idea of marriage than with wanting to marry someone because they’re smitten by the person. Guys, on the other hand, know the type of woman they want to marry, and so they keep having fun, or move through several ‘serious’ relationships until they find ‘that’ person.
Fact is… some men don’t believe in marriage – especially if they came from a broken home. Psychologists see a clear relationship between commitment phobia, and a traumatic childhood. Studies show that people who suffer from commitment phobia are deeply influenced by their childhood experiences that have seared their subconscious minds and given birth to such unrealistic fears. These include the death of a parent, a messy divorce, or parental abuse. In their minds, avoiding long-term, ‘serious’ relationships prevents any chance of being hurt.
Commitment-phobic people are easy to spot. They have short-lived relationships, wear their scars from previous relationships on their sleeve, date ‘unavailable’ people (who are ‘committed’ to someone else), back out of plans at the last minute, or are ‘hot’ one day, and ‘cold’ the next. Then of course, there’s them being straightforward, and saying, “I’ve been hurt in the past and I’m afraid to get hurt again”. Pussies… that’s what they are. Once you’ve made it through one really bad heartbreak, you can survive another. Anyway… I digress.
For a man, a relationship is sort of like a responsibility. He has a responsibility to be faithful. He has a responsibility to call you when he’ll be home late. He has a responsibility to be supportive. Now, of course that’s the ideal situation. However, there are some men who will only take up that responsibility for a woman who they feel deserves that respect. Then there are men who will waste your time. You think you’re heading somewhere, but you aren’t. You get sucked into a relationship that does not have a future.
You can’t get anyone to commit to you if they don’t want to. It’s like asking a delinquent in school to study for exams. They just won’t do it, and even if you force them to, you won’t get the result you want. That also kinda explains why a man or woman moved on from someone they really loved, and refused to marry, only to go to marry one or two or three lovers after. Maybe it’s because they just went with who was there when they were in the mood to be committed?
Instead of focusing on how the other person feels, and trying to change his (her) attitude to commitment, you need to focus on how you feel and change your approach. I’m not suggesting that you ‘love with your head’. I am simply suggesting that you use it.
I’m going through this right now. Got a man I love, and who I knows cares deeply for me. However, he has his issues about commitment, and is going through his own process because he wants to be sure that he’s absolutely ready to give a relationship with me a proper try. I appreciate the fact that he wants to be sure he’s ready to commit, and I’m leaving him to his process. However, I know I won’t wait forever.
Nagging a man is the best way to get the opposite of what you want. If you think he’s a great guy, but perhaps a little confused about what he wants in life right now, leave him to go through his process of self-exploration. Don’t force him or give an ultimatum. Give yourself an ultimatum, and know when to exit the room, if you figure the wait for him will be too long. You don’t have to stop being friends, but draw your boundaries and be upfront with him. Let him know that if he doesn’t know what he wants, then you will need to take your own measures to safeguard your heart. If he cares about you, he’ll respect your decision. It may also be a trigger that lets him know that he has to make a decision, without you handing out some sort of draconian ultimatum.
If you decide to accept whatever crumbs someone hands you, be prepared to be disappointed. Don’t play the casual game with someone you have deep feelings for either. Some men are just way too charming to keep your guard up from them. Don’t think he’ll change his skin one day, and become a new man, who suddenly becomes devoted to you either. If you want to feel emotionally safe or satisfied. don’t try to force feelings on someone else. Force yourself to accept reality.
If a man’s history tells you he’s not the committing kind, he’s emotionally unavailable, and shows that he doesn’t truly consider your needs, most likely he’s not worth the emotional investment.
You shouldn’t have to go on a personal PR campaign to get someone to want to be with you. It’s either they want to or they don’t. Accept it for what it is. You can’t or shouldn’t force a man to be in a serious relationship or to marry you. If you ‘succeed’, doh vex when yuh getting ‘horn’. Your chances of a great relationship are better, when the other person voluntarily wants to be with you.

Trying to get a man who doesn’t want to be in a relationship… to be in a relationship… is like trying to fit a rhinoceros through a mouse-hole. So why do girls keep trying to do it?

If a man doesn’t want to be committed to you, why try to force him? Oh, and note the difference between him wanting to be with you, and him wanting to commit to you. Women like to hate on men who just want some booty or to have some fun. Can you really blame them if you’re a hottie and want to ‘get some’? They have needs. Like dogs… they like to hump. Ok men… I’ll be nice.

Seriously though. Some men are very upfront about they willingness or unwillingness to commit. They might tell you they like you. They may lime with you often. They may even ‘run up’ their phone bill, talking to you. You’re convinced they like you, and you’re probably right. They do like you.


However, when someone – man or woman – doesn’t want to commit to an exclusive relationship, like and love don’t have as much say as we think. Love is not always as strong a force as gravity to make sure that they have no choice but to plant their feet firmly on the ground next to you.

“Note the difference between him wanting to be with you, and him wanting to commit to you.”

Let’s look at the potential for a couple moving from a steady relationship to marriage. Most girls treat almost every guy they date as prospective husband material. They’re more smitten with the idea of marriage than with wanting to marry someone because they’re smitten by the person. Guys, on the other hand, know the type of woman they want to marry, and so they keep having fun, or move through several ‘serious’ relationships until they find ‘that’ person.

Fact is… some men don’t believe in marriage – especially if they came from a broken home. Psychologists see a clear relationship between commitment phobia, and a traumatic childhood. Studies show that people who suffer from commitment phobia are deeply influenced by their childhood experiences that have seared their subconscious minds and given birth to such unrealistic fears. These include the death of a parent, a messy divorce, or parental abuse. In their minds, avoiding long-term, ‘serious’ relationships prevents any chance of being hurt.

Commitment-phobic people are easy to spot. They have short-lived relationships, wear their scars from previous relationships on their sleeve, date ‘unavailable’ people (who are ‘committed’ to someone else), back out of plans at the last minute, or are ‘hot’ one day, and ‘cold’ the next. Then of course, there’s them being straightforward, and saying, “I’ve been hurt in the past and I’m afraid to get hurt again”. Pussies… that’s what they are. Once you’ve made it through one really bad heartbreak, you can survive another. Anyway… I digress.

“For a man, a relationship is sort of like a responsibility.”

For a man, a relationship is sort of like a responsibility. He has a responsibility to be faithful. He has a responsibility to call you when he’ll be home late. He has a responsibility to be supportive. Now, of course that’s the ideal situation. However, there are some men who will only take up that responsibility for a woman who they feel deserves that respect. Then there are men who will waste your time. You think you’re heading somewhere, but you aren’t. You get sucked into a relationship that does not have a future.

You can’t get anyone to commit to you if they don’t want to. It’s like asking a delinquent in school to study for exams. They just won’t do it, and even if you force them to, you won’t get the result you want. That also kinda explains why a man or woman moved on from someone they really loved, and refused to marry, only to go to marry one or two or three lovers after. Maybe it’s because they just went with who was there when they were in the mood to be committed?

Instead of focusing on how the other person feels, and trying to change his (her) attitude to commitment, you need to focus on how you feel and change your approach. I’m not suggesting that you ‘love with your head’. I am simply suggesting that you use it.

I’m going through this right now. Got a man I love, and who I knows cares deeply for me. However, he has his issues about commitment, and is going through his own process because he wants to be sure that he’s absolutely ready to give a relationship with me a proper try. I appreciate the fact that he wants to be sure he’s ready to commit, and I’m leaving him to his process. However, I know I won’t wait forever.

Nagging a man is the best way to get the opposite of what you want. If you think he’s a great guy, but perhaps a little confused about what he wants in life right now, leave him to go through his process of self-exploration. Don’t force him or give an ultimatum. Give yourself an ultimatum, and know when to exit the room, if you figure the wait for him will be too long. You don’t have to stop being friends, but draw your boundaries and be upfront with him. Let him know that if he doesn’t know what he wants, then you will need to take your own measures to safeguard your heart. If he cares about you, he’ll respect your decision. It may also be a trigger that lets him know that he has to make a decision, without you handing out some sort of draconian ultimatum.

If you decide to accept whatever crumbs someone hands you, be prepared to be disappointed. Don’t play the casual game with someone you have deep feelings for either. Some men are just way too charming to keep your guard up from them. Don’t think he’ll change his skin one day, and become a new man, who suddenly becomes devoted to you either. If you want to feel emotionally safe or satisfied. don’t try to force feelings on someone else. Force yourself to accept reality.

If a man’s history tells you he’s not the committing kind, he’s emotionally unavailable, and shows that he doesn’t truly consider your needs, most likely he’s not worth the emotional investment.

You shouldn’t have to go on a personal PR campaign to get someone to want to be with you. It’s either they want to or they don’t. Accept it for what it is. You can’t or shouldn’t force a man to be in a serious relationship or to marry you. If you ‘succeed’, doh vex when yuh getting ‘horn’. Your chances of a great relationship are better, when the other person voluntarily wants to be with you.

 

  • v

    Commitment phobic men actually pursue commitment, until they get it. So this article is very bad. It shows the writer has no clue about this type of man and it does not help a woman involved with one. My phobic boyfriend of 36 told me he wanted to live with me, marry and have kids before he turned 40, he was in love with me and showed it. I was still unsure. Until I agreed. Then voilá! he dumped me within 3 months.
    So your “It’s either they want to or they don’t” advice is really lame.

    • hilary

      THANK YOU. I agree. It’s an opinion piece.

      • sadiesays

        Yes, I agree too. I had a bf who called me, texted me, wrote long romantic love letters, told me everyday how in love he was with me for 2 years, then moved across country to be with me, looked at houses online, picked out furniture, told everyone we were settling down together, I knew his family, everything. (I should add that we were longtime old friends and have a large community of people that we share, so it wasn’t just a blind long distance thing.)
        Then one day after he had moved in with me and we were making plans to find a bigger place, the subject of marriage came up. He floundered, said he had never thought of it, and boom, 3 months later he left me, moved to another city and wouldn’t speak to me again for nearly a year. No more letters, no more love, like a stranger.
        I asked him to come to just one hour of counseling to try and figure this out or to make it easier for me to let go. He wouldn’t even honor me with one friggin hour. It was shattering, to say the least. I was a really good gf, I have learned how to be open and give room for guys to be happy, have my own life etc. I seriously did everything right, even he admitted that at some point.
        I have been in therapy and am now on anti-depressants to deal with what happened. We are speaking again (I know, why talk to this ass, but I am attached :( ) and the way he sees it, it’s normal, people break up,
        but I see it as:
        I wasn’t some girl you dated for a few months, you asked me to leave my home, everything to move away with you, I was faithful in a ld relationship where we only saw eachother once a month for 2 years, turned down other dates from men during that time and now, all of a sudden you leave me?! It was unreal. Even my gf’s who are single say they are traumatized by what happened. I feel sort of ruined, like I will have a hard time finding someone I can trust. It is a clear case of a commitment phobe having things easy and then when it came time to make his fantasy real (he asked for all of the future together, spend-my-life-with you stuff) suddenly he feels smothered and I’m too needy. I have to add, he had trouble finding a job when he got here, which can put a lot of strain, but when he said I was too needy it really killed me. I was taking care of him! And I’m the needy one. I feel like I have hurt myself grieving for an entire year over this, but he really kind of shattered me. I know now to trust the red flags and get out asap.
        ** And one more thing, though I never really this until now, if your guy asks you to move in together, say you will consider it when you both feel ready for an engagement, that is what you need to agree to such a thing. I know it’s hard and you don’t want to risk losing him, but weed out the fakers before you go through what I did.

  • Girlygirl

    To “mmmmm”…I feel for you, been there! Seems I attract these types of men like the plague; though I am getting better at identifying them and telling them to hit the road before they do their destruction on my heart. In short..I think all men are some type of commitmentphobe; even if you DON’T chase, which I never have, or give them space, etc. most of them do not know what they want. The main point is to keep yourself on top of your own world and protect yourself. I had a friend who had a guy who she dated for about 2 years until he proposed with a huge diamond ring…he treated her like GOLD, until they got married. On their honeymoon in Hawaii he became a SOB and told her she “tricked” him into marrying her!! When in fact, he pursued her like crazy! He pushed her down and stomped on her bare foot! THAT is the kind of crap these types of guys give out! A really good book is “Men Who Can’t Love”. Total eye opener.

    In any event, I feel this article is right on….good advice. Keep your heart guarded, at all times.

    • tracy

      He must have been muslim same thing happened to me. All muslim men treat you like gold until they marry you.

      • TiredofBeingTired

        I just wanted to share that I just found this article. I find its content to be true. I have been married to a commitment phobic man for 10 years and each year I thought things would get better; he would share his affections with me and that he and I would work together in building our family. Well 10 years later, he hasn’t kept a steady job, he’s withdrawn and oddly enough has began a church in secret. We’ve recently seperated. I’m glad I came across your article. It’s real and to the point. Thank you for being candid. I now know there’s nothing I can do to change this man and I refuse to give him another year of my life.

  • Audrey

    Hello,

    my situation is basically very simple but very hard to adapt.. He likes me and i like him.. we both want to be together.. ive had bad pass experiences and im moving on from that and trying to make this work and putting my 120%. I decided to leave him several times and didnt work.. he almost begged me to stay… well he did.

    He said he would try and work this and he does treat me like his gf but sometimes he doesnt.. i was ready to let go of everything until he expressed himself and told me he was “fraid to get hurt’. anywayssss im not here to change him … you know what i mean but if he really doesnt want to let go of me.. and hes willing to try and make this work.. then i dont know…

    plz help me!! lol

  • nic

    face it they just want to have their cake and eat it too. avoid like the plague.

  • was 613

    Just happened to me…he calls me everyday..text me every time he had his meals…when he got home or about to sleep…we have wonderful dates…then after a week of having a relationship…he became cold and told me he was still in love with his ex…grrrrr!!! yet he still text me everyday…i dont know what he is up to???

  • alyssa

    Just found this blog..I’m a 21 year old women, and have been “talking” or seeing this guy (who
    I have known since high school) for a good amount of months now. We
    went on our first official date back in mid-March. He talked about
    eventually maybe dating and becoming ‘official’ and all those things. We
    have slept together, I have met his family and go over to watch movies
    all the time at his home, I spent the day with him, his mother and
    grandmother on his birthday, and felt like we were ‘getting there’.
    Really. Even for my birthday I have always wanted to go on a cruise so
    me and him booked a cruise for mid-December and be back before Christmas
    still. When we first started talked he had mentioned he is scared of
    getting hurt, since his last official relationship he was in she cheated
    on him. However, tonight after we watched “Think Like A Man” together
    he wanted to talk to me about something. Thinking he was actually going
    to ask if I want to make things official or something along those
    lines…it was the opposite. He went on about making sure that I know we
    are just talking and aren’t dating or anything. But he loves hanging
    out with me and talking to me and loves the sex and doesn’t want to
    change what we’re doing but just wants to focus on working and just
    wanted to make sure we’re on the same page as far as where we stand and
    that he still will and wants to go on the cruise with me. Which one of
    the things I followed his statements by was that I don’t want to be a
    string-a-long girl, where he basically uses me while looking for someone
    else/better. I feel like I am what a guy would want. I watch ESPN and
    sports with him, play video games with him(fifa, nba jams, etc), I don’t
    whine and make him always take me places..I’m content just hanging out
    and watching TV. When I asked if we’re still talking he said yes and
    that he isn’t talking to any other girls the way he is with me, or
    having sex with anyone else, or doing things with other girls that he
    does with me. So what do you feel is the problem of why he really
    doesn’t want to make it official and seems like he’s pulling back, and
    where should I go from here? PLEASE HELP! What would you all do? And any
    advice from guys on what’s going on would be helpful!

    Additional Details

    PS he has an older brother and sister that he’s close with…told his
    brother were intimate even. And he talks to his sister a lot I know as
    well. But whenever his brother is around, so is he. Unless sometimes
    when he goes in the shower and me and his brother are just watching tv
    together (doesn’t happen too too often). And again his sister lives far.
    Also know his best friend. Do you think I should maybe message one of
    them (fb) and ask them to keep me asking between us please but ask
    them….something?? Idk

    • tracy

      He is treating you like a girlfriend and being unfair to your feelings. You can keep talking to him but you had better date other men on the sly. He is being shifty and in the long run that can be alot of wasted time and hurt. I just realized that unless you both make it official men can keep talking and doing things with a girl just like a relationship and not even want to be your boyfriend ever. And the longer you keep it going unofficially the harder it will be to change or get out. BUT if you have a committment relationship talk with him be prepared for things to change either for the better or the worse and you may lose his friendship. Men do not like relationship talks.
      My advice keep seeing him as you probably have grown to have feelings but ease off do not see him as much, etc. But then he may start seing other women if you leave the door too far open. You have no choice but to speak with him, indirectly then

  • cliff

    Ok but what about when its the reverse, I’m with a woman who is divorced has two amazing kids that I love like my own. Its been 4 years now that her and I have been dating and she still won’t tell the kids about us or her ex. I’m only there over night when the kids are not and when ever I tell her I want to move forward she gives me this bull about not being sure about “us”… I love her wholely, want to be a father to her children and have more kids, but she just won’t budge. I’m her dirty secret. I thought woman were suppose to be the ones doing the chasing. 4 years and all I am is 2 bins in her closet hidden and tucked away when the kids come home. I want to open with the world about us but she just won’t budge. So just a side note here. Its not always men who are commitment phobic

  • lo0

    awesome article, being a guy, it made me understand what i want from life…

  • Mark

    i am a straight man that would very much want to commit again, especially after being married and my wife was the one that cheated. now single again, it is very hard for me to meet another woman that can be faithful.

  • tracy

    I am dating a committment phobic guy now, most charming man on earth, handsome, rich, nice dresser, smells nice, very well groomed, totally perfect but as soon as I try to get close and talk my feelings he gets cold.

    • Amber

      I’m dating someone exactly like your man. I feel you

      • dikly

        M dating exactly the same man. He loves n really takes care of my feelings. He wouldn’t dump or ditch me ever would rather want me to be the one ending the relationship whenever I fee like. But I want us to be married n he calls marriage a disaster. He believes marriage would kill our love. I love him n I love him a lot. But it kills me to think that we don’t have a future together n my going out of his life wouldn’t bother him. I cry a lot because I don’t know if I should let go or keep on trying.

  • Guest3

    I am going through a similar issue. I have been dating a guy for 5 years. We have a great relationship, we love and care about each other deeply and are perfect for each other. We have talked about the future before but never too seriously as we are both 25 and neither of us our ready to settle down and get married right now. Recently, our friends have started to get engaged and he has been starting to pull away. Last week he lied to me about making plans with another girl when I was going to be out of town even though he says it was platonic and he would never cheat on me. He then admitted to me he was having doubts about being with one person for the rest of his life, even though I have put NO pressure on him whatsoever to get married, settle down etc. He says he needs time to figure out what he wants, but he also says he wants to be with me and loves me. We have spent a few days apart and after this time apart he says he wants to do whatever it takes to be with me and work out his issues, but when we spent time back together he changes his mind and says he doesn’t know what he wants and is confused. He is from a broken home and a very very bad divorce, which I’m sure has a lot to do with his issues, but I have known this and thought he was able to over come these issues, as I don’t believe you can use these issues as a crutch for your problems for the rest of your life.

    I am so confused because he seems to be flip flopping around with what he is telling me, and I’m scared that if I stay with him while he gets help for his issues I will just end up hurt or this will happen again in the future. I am also worried that if I give him time and space, he will come back to me and I don’t know if I am prepared to take him back or wait around for him to decide if he wants to be with me. I feel like if he knows that he should already know.

    HELP!

  • cookies2390

    my ex and I broke up four months ago, we were together for almost two years. & till this day i still love that guy, i found out that the reason why he broke up with me was because he felt pressured to be someone else he didnt want to be commited and instead have freedom without letting no one know what he was doing. He loves me but like they say love sometimes is not to strong to win, he doesnt want to be in a lockdown position or promise someone forever. He neither doesnt wanna be in a relationship with other girls.Hes a great guy but he still needs to figure out what he wants in life. I love him but its just hard not to know wether to move on or see if he realizes that he lost a good girl and talk back to me again

  • Lynda

    I had a huge bust up with my partner and he left me, i was so frustrated and i email Dr. Stanley and he said he could help, I must admit, I was very, very skeptical as didn’t really believe he would be back after all he said, but it was just a few days when he phoned and asked to come over to talk, we talked and talked and the silly misunderstanding was all forgiven and we are back together now for good, all thanks to drstanleyspelltemple@hotmail.com, I would highly recommend his services, they do really, really work. Lynda.

  • Deborah Wilson

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  • Zoya

    Hi. My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years now. He says he loves me, I know he does, but becomes extremely strange as soon as anything “forever”/”in future” comes up. I know I shouldn’t do it but at times just to let him know clearly how I see things, I do tell him that I would want to live with him. And that moment, he acts SO selfish that at times I’m just stunned. He says things like,”you have increased your expectations from me and that’s your problem, not mine”, “I can’t help with the way you think.” I just don’t know what I should do. I have been in many relationships before and hence I know this one is different, atleast for me. But I’m so scared that after all the efforts, all the love, tomorrow I might be nowhere. Forget about tomorrow, at the present I don’t know whether I should entertain his selfish attitude. He doesn’t understand my emotional needs or maybe I too don’t, won’t put the entire blame on him. But I’m just so screwed up.
    Ps: we have been in a long distance relationship from the start, however there’s no trust issues here. I’m very close to his family too. Everything is just awesome BUT for him. Please help :(