Hope, Whores, and the Pros of Male Friends

 

My sometimes-promiscuous, male friends make me believe that great men do exist. And great men, if you’re reading this, feel free to holla at me. My number is 759-PSYCHE.

Seriously, though, ladies love to call men dogs, and, yeah, most times, they’ve got a good reason to. But, when I call men dogs, I excuse it, because 95% of the rest of the time, I’m defending their tails, like this:

My friend Nikki: “Men just bad. Satan is using him to get to me.”

Karel: “Noooooooo…yuh mustn’t say dat. Not all men are bad. There must be good men out there. And you’re a good woman? Well the same way there are good women, it’s the same way there are good men.”

My friend Nikki: “Men bad! Okay…fine…not all of them.”

See, some of my best friends are men, and I think they have great qualities. Some of the savviest players are also the sweetest men…as friends. Some of the most non-committal men are extremely compassionate, mature, loyal, and uplifting…as friends. Despite the frustration they may cause other women, I see that they really do have all the ingredients to nurture a healthy relationship.

I wouldn’t say that my single friends are less mature than my married, male friends. They’re just wired differently.

When other women struggle with getting them to settle down, I’m way more understanding of their current status as man whores. When you’re close friends with someone, you get to understand why they are how they are, and why they act how they do. Of course, the fact that they’re also your friend means they’re way more endearing in your eyes.

Let’s take my good friend ImmaHoebutaNiceGuy, for example (you didn’t expect me to blast his real name, right?). He’s one the most emotionally healthy guys I know. You’re probably thinking, but you just said he’s a man whore. How could he be emotionally healthy?

Let’s ignore the fact that he and his good friend, Mr Dick, are constantly looking for some mischief to get up to. He has lots of redeeming qualities. He’s funny, charming, intelligent, sensitive, approachable, and kind.

ImmaHoebutaNiceGuy doesn’t lie to women. He doesn’t lead them on. He doesn’t tune them out, as soon as they attempt to talk about something that’s bothering them. Basically, he’s very amenable to talking things over, even if a woman says the dreaded “we need to talk” phrase, or writes him an emotional, thousand-word e-mail. He’s accountable for his actions.

I remember when a girl emailed ImmaHoebutaNiceGuy, telling him that she missed his presence in her life. Note that this presence was brief, and resulted in a one-night stand. He had explained that nothing more would come of it, but I guess he made a great impression.

She poured her heart out about how she had agreed with him, at the time, but she thought that he was such a nice guy that she wanted to see where things could go with them. He sent a nice, respectful response, sticking to his guns, but making her feel as if he had paid her due attention. He could have responded like a jerk, but he didn’t. And that, my good people, is where the ‘chain-up’ lies.

Does his openness mean that a woman will get what she wants from him? No. But she definitely gains clarity. And clarity is the first step to moving on, or accepting reality.

In my book, a guy who is honest, will talk things out, and is sensitive to your feelings is like striking a pot of gold, because being willing and able to communicate and understand the other person is a must have for any potentially successful relationship.

Friends like ImmaHoebutaNiceGuy, and another friend…let’s call him ImmaHoeToo…are constant reminders that not all men are insensitive idiots. They may act like wild stallions, but they’re sweet guys – even when ImmaHoeToo gives me TMI stories about how his piggy moved, when he was liming with a girl, late one night, at Macqueripe Beach.

By now, you’ve realised that my friends aren’t perfectly behaved chaps. But one of the reasons I love them is because they have the qualities I value most.

They’re also some of my most favourite people, because they check in on me when I’m stressed, don’t make me walk on eggshells, or patiently listen to my rants about work, men, or anything else under the sun, then comfort me or give me a sound boof, depending on what they sense I need.

Remember that thousand-word e-mail I mentioned before? ImmaHoebutaNiceGuy cuts mine down to a measly 250 words that won’t make another guy run in the opposite direction. (We actually fleetingly considered starting an editing love letters business, when I realised how good he was at it.) Apart from free dating advice, they also help me to realistically assess the sometimes fickle and complex mind of men, or know when to ignore it.

Since my friends are so caring and loyal to me, I know they’ll be the same towards someone they’re serious about – assuming that person isn’t an emotionally unstable person, who will seek to nag and frustrate the hell out of them. For the women who’d want a relationship from them, they just have to hope to meet them, when they’re ripe for the picking.

I know you’re saying that they’re sweet to me because we’re friends. It’ll be different in a romantic relationship, because different factors come into play. That’s true.

But, to me, what differentiates a guy who’s not relationship material from one who is…is his ability or inability to demonstrate acts of idiocy, insensitivity, and selfishness.

 Our friends help us to have high expectations, because they’re so good to us. That’s why, if you ever hook up with a friend, male or female, it’s so much more disappointing, if they do you wrong, than it is with someone else, with whom you had a one-dimensional relationship.

Single women tend to complain about the dearth of good men out there. And I know it’s hard to accept the imperfections of human beings. But because my friends show such great capacity for love, I’m hopeful that there are others like them out there – minus the stallion ways. Maybe they’re in India, while you’re in Trinidad. Maybe they’re in Thailand, while you’re in Africa. But they’re out there…somewhere.

Men are called the opposite sex, because, sometimes, they do the complete opposite of what women want them to do. Women do the same thing to men too, but, somehow, women’s frustrations about finding steady relationships, and the men are dogs mantra, keep being flung in our faces. I’m flinging that out of the window, because of my great friends.

You can’t walk around thinking that all men are bad, even though some of them will drive you up a wall, or do you and your friends dirty. Otherwise, you’ll just be a bitter woman, who’ll stay bitter…even if you get a good man one day. In the meantime, you can simply appreciate your awesome friends, and defend them ‘til the end.