Wining season is here. The Soca switch has been made. And waists have been oiled for maximum performance.
Carnival lovers are feverishly planning their to-do lists for Trinidad Carnival 2K11. However, people should also be thinking about what they’re not going to do this year.
As someone who’s accustomed to not doing much for Carnival, I’ve come up with a few not-to-dos that might help you out for the season.
1. Dance to Trevor Sayers’ new song
All ‘kix’ aside, let’s not encourage Trevor Sayers in his foolery any further… Please!
I was able to watch the full three minutes and twenty-five seconds of “Stamina Man”, but I just CAN’T make it through “New Dance in School”, with him dressed as a school girl, ribbons, backpack and all. I… just… can’t. Trevor… 2010 was your year for producing brain-scarring material, and spreading it to unsuspecting citizens of Trinidad and Tobago. Not 2011. Alyuh might laugh and say, “Dis man rel mad. I want whatever he smoking”. No… you… don’t… Some DJ is gonna buss that tune in a fete, and it will mash up de dance just because Trinis too inebriated, and on wileness to realise that wining to this mess is a serious offence, and is punishable by him teaming up with Iwer George in 2012.
Doh talk for Carnival Monday and Tuesday. “Stamina Man” got a few spins for Carnival 2010, and, somewhere, Trevor was secretly hoping that he’d beat JW and Blaze, and palance away with the Road March crown. As of January 16, 2011 (10.23 a.m.) “New Dance in School” already had 41, 244 views, within six days of being uploaded. Please… don’t give him more hope. Mommy… please make it stop!
2. Become a pauper
Costume. Check. Bess outfits. Check. All-inclusive fete tab. Check. Crew fee for Pan Semis. Check. Fete promoters, and store owners rubbing their hands in glee. Check.
Carnival is the season of revelry, winery, and inevitable pauperism for a month (if yuh lucky) or two. It’s the season where you make other people rich, without really considering the impact you’re having on your net worth.
How many of you actually create a Carnival budget to track exactly how much money you spend, and where you can cut some of that spending? Some of the more disciplined (and highly paid) among you may have learnt the trick to enjoying yourself to the max, while still stuffing your savings account for January and February. However, every year, some people insist they’ll be better at spending, and then proceed to exceed the excess of their Carnival spending the previous year.
Ask yourself, “What financial position will I be in after I chip for two days? How does my entertainment expenses affect my ultimate financial goals for 2011?”
3. Wine on a vagrant
Every year a vagrant gets some action (and I’m not talking Louis Lee Sing action). Some unsuspecting soul (usually female) takes a wine (or more) on a blissful J’Ouvert morning, only to almost die of shock when she walks down Frederick Street the following week, and a man – rummaging through one of the few bins in Port of Spain – hails her out by her correct, first name. (I heard this is a real story too).
I know we should show mercy for the less fortunate, but nowhere on the list of charitable to-dos have I ever seen “wine on a vagrant”. Don’t be the person we hear about after Carnival. Please!
4. Look ridiculous in a costume
Ladies if you have melons, please don’t wear a pastie and think it’ll support your boobs. The laws of gravity just won’t let that happen. The laws of photography also won’t make the sight of you jumping up and down, while flapping your jugs, seem like a worthy Sports Illustrated cover.
I won’t get into the whole if yuh body not bess, don’t wear a costume tirade, because it’s not my style. Regardless of size, we all have the right to jump, wave, and misbehave on the road. However, you want to look back at your photos with wistfulness and the conviction that Halle Berry wanted nothing with you on Carnival Monday or Tuesday. You want to post your photos on Facebook. You want to see your photo in the newspapers, and collector item magazines. So don’t get chain up with styles of the skimpiest costume ever.
Let your clothes or costume flatter your body as much as possible. You don’t want to be the person people point to and laugh at, on the road, or in the “worst-dressed for Carnival” section of a magazine.
5. Have unprotected sex
This should go without saying… typing. However, some people still forget that HIV/AIDS and STDs are real. They’re not the tooth fairy. They’re real, and they can happen to you. So condomise, abstain from unsafe, sexual behaviour, and remember that you want to enjoy the rest of your life disease-free.
I know you might be drunk at times, and not so clear in your thinking, or take a sample from someone other than your significant other (say no to public, and private, horning too), but please remember to be safe. Fellas tape a condom to your willy. Ladies pin it to your panty. However normal or extreme the measure to remind yourself to be safe, do it.
I won’t be on the road this year (as in every other year of my life), and I won’t be in any fetes, unless I’m forcibly dragged. However, I do want my fellow Trinis to live well and prosper. So I’m hoping this list will do some good. Do you have any not-to-dos to share?
Check out the rest of this week’s issue (17/01/11; Issue 41):